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Twilight in 5 Words or Less

Twilight poster copyright Summit Entertainment

Before becoming an immensely popular film series that effectively ended the private lives of the cast involved with it, Twilight was an incredibly popular book series loved by many teenage girls and their moms and looked upon derisively by those with more than a cursory knowledge of story structure and characterization. I’ll probably get yelled at for this, but bring it on. Here is my review of Twilight in five words or less:

Stalking, angst, sparkles, sap… morons.

Buy Twilight Stuff Cause You Love It Anyway

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Vampire Showdown

Vampires are all the rage these days. Every teenage girl wants her very own teenage-looking undead stalker… or at least to throw her panties at a guy who plays one in the movies. Twilight and The Vampire Diaries are two of the most popular – one is a series of movies adapted from the books by Stephenie Meyer, the other a TV series on CW that is adapted from the books by L.J. Smith. In blurb form, they sound very similar. But if we were to force them to fight each other, who would come out on top?

It’s stalker-boy and his distracted pals VS hobo scarf guy and girl who’s sticking her boobs out

Who will win??

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The Wolfman Review

In this latest film manifestation of the werewolf legend, it’s the 1800s and Lawrence Talbot (Benicio Del Toro) returns to his home on the moors to search for his missing brother at the behest of said brother’s fiancee Gwen (Emily Blunt) and ends up suffering from lycanthropy and Daddy (Anthony Hopkins) Doesn’t Love Me Syndrome.

Lycanthropy, in folklore, is a physical transformation that occurs during the full moon, usually after receiving a bite from a werewolf. Though Wolfman was indeed bitten, its condition unfortunately did not cause it to turn into a good movie. Lackluster and kind of lame rather than frightening, it should be locked up and forgotten about lest it part more people from their money like its main character parts people’s heads from their bodies (i.e. forcefully).

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Daybreakers Review


I had been looking forward to seeing Daybreakers ever since I saw the trailer shot of the people plugged into the blood-sucking machine. It reminded me of two other darker sci-fi action-horror type movies: The Matrix before it went all philosophical on me (because the robots had people plugged in too) and 28 Days Later (because it takes place not during the outbreak of the epidemic but after, when horrors dominate).

The basic idea behind the film is this:

In a vampire-dominated world, humans have been hunted to near extinction and a blood substitute is desperately needed to stave off famine.

I thought: an original (and very cool) story idea plus a Matrix-ey feel? Sign me up! After the Avatar letdown I needed something that looked original to actually BE original. I saw Daybreakers the day it came out, and boy was I ever NOT disappointed!

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Don’t Read This If You Like Twilight

Don’t read this if you like Twilight. Seriously. If you like Twilight stop reading right the hell now. I don’t want to be shived and/or lynched for my insightful yet true opinions.

Also, don’t read this if you intend to read any of the Twilight books and will get mad at me for spoiling them on you.

Since I was feeling cranky and unsatisfied today I decided to make myself feel better by trashing something. And what more trashable item have I encountered in the last couple of months than the Twilight books by Stephenie Meyer?

The Twilight Saga, consists of four published books: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn plus a fifth unfinished internet-leaked novel called Midnight Sun. All of the books are written from the perspective of a teenage girl named Bella who falls in love with a century-old teenage vampire named Edward.

Click below to read more about them and the problems I think they have.

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