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Trailer Reviews for September 28, 2012

LOOPER



Hmm. Well, I recognize that I probably should be excited for this movie. It’s an actiony science fiction story. I love those. However, I’m not thrilled about the Joseph Gordon-Levitt factor or the Bruce Willis factor (I think they’re both merely okay – nothing to get excited over). And I’m definitely not thrilled about the time travel factor, because 99% of movies that deal with time travel end up breaking their own rules and not making any sense. The likelihood of a screwup is even higher with this one, since he’s chasing after himself. I dunno, a friend of mine swears it’s good, but I just can’t shake the feeling that it’ll only blow your mind if you don’t think very hard.

HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA



Haha, now this one I’m looking forward to seeing. The first trailer wasn’t great – it followed that irritating Pixar practice (this is not a Pixar movie) of not giving away any hint of plot in the teasers. But the full trailer reveals the existence of the daughter and now I can see it’s actually got a story – he’s kind of like Nemo’s dad, trying to keep his kid from getting hurt in the big bad world, only with an Addams Family twist. I freaking LOVE the Addams family, and this movie looks pretty funny. I love the bingo lady monster. So I’ll probably pick this one over Looper, even though I probably should see Looper… oh well, this is why it’s great not having a boss to tell me what to review.

PITCH PERFECT



Call me crazy, but I actually kind of want to see this one, too. Sure, it’s the same “oh we’re a (insert activity here) team and we really need to win (insert name of competition) if only we can get our act together and get us some boy/girlfriends” plot that they use in every movie related to a sport or contest, but it just seems so… funny. The rape whistle joke is pretty clever (and spot on, if I’m remembering college correctly) and that Australian girl from Bridesmaids is HILARIOUS. I think that sets it apart from all the Step Ups and Joyful Noises out there. So I’d watch it, just probably not this week.

WON’T BACK DOWN



Dang, I wanted to see this one as well! I’ve been interested in movies to do with the (American) school system since I saw Waiting for “Superman”, and this is kind of the Waiting for “Superman” version of Erin Brockovich. It’ll make me cry. I know it. These kinds of movies all do. I think that’s probably why I go to them. Plus it’s a true story (as true as these movies ever get, anyway), and Maggie Gyllenhaal is a total ass kicking mom. What more could you want? I’d say I’ll save it for another week, but with the coming weeks stacked up with Frankenweenie, Argo, Cloud Atlas, Wreck-It Ralph, and Skyfall, it’s not looking like I’ll get a chance. Maybe I’ll have to save this one for the DVD release.

INESCAPABLE



Oh my god! It’s Doctor Bashir! I need to see this movie. I don’t think I’ve seen this guy since Deep Space Nine… actually, no, that’s a lie. He was in Cairo Time, which was so boring I don’t think I even watched the whole thing, so you’ll understand if the same director’s name being attached to this movie doesn’t make me jump for joy. In fact, he may be the only person in the world who can lift the “missing daughter in another country” concept from Taken and make it boring. Which is quite a feat, when you think about how dangerous Syria can be. Lots of quiet meetings in dark parking lots, very little throat chopping, though the last few seconds of the trailer look promising. I guess we’ll see.

ARBITRAGE



Wait, was that his wife he was making out with or a mistress or something? I’m confused. I guess I zoned out when they started talking about money and business and all that boring stuff I don’t really care about. Anyway so then he gets in a car crash… and runs away? Because…. why? Because he was drinking? Because he crashed the car on purpose? Because he’s afraid of cops? What is it? And what does his running away from an accident have to do with his money going missing or getting frozen or whatever? This trailer is confusing. Thankfully it’s a limited release so it’s not even going to come near me.

THE MASTER



Ohhhh right! This is that not-Scientology movie that has all the Scientology nuts up in arms. I’d go see it just for that. But I have to say the trailer doesn’t make it seem like much. They barely even give you any plot. I feel like I have to fill in the blanks for you. There’s a guy, he comes back from World War II, he joins a cult, the cult is a stand in for Scientology, bad cult sh** goes down. It sounds good, but from what I understand it’s done in a really jumbled up style (much like the trailer) that makes it really annoying, so maybe I won’t watch the whole thing after all. Later, I mean. It’s only a limited release.

Also, if you’re in Sydney on Thursday, Sept. 27 at 7pm you can catch the Cape Breton Film Series showing of In a Better World, a Danish movie about bullying, revenge, and working in a refugee camp as well as a 12 minute short called When You Sleep by a New Waterford filmmaker.

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Trailer Reviews for September 21, 2012

DREDD



When I heard Karl Urban was taking over Sylvester Stallone’s old role in the Judge Dredd remake, I was excited. “I love Karl Urban!” I thought. “He’s a terrific actor! This is going to be great!” Except now that I’ve seen the trailer, I don’t see any differences between the old Stallone version and this new one. The special effects are better, obviously, and the plot’s a little different. I don’t remember there being slow motion drugs in the old one. But Judge Dredd never takes off his helmet and always speaks in a gravelly monotone, so Karl Urban might as well BE Sylvester Stallone in this for all he gets to show of his talent. I dunno, maybe it’s just that the trailer is bad, but I’m not expecting much from this one other than a few hours of smashy smashy.

HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET



See, now this is a good horror movie trailer. It sets up the premise without giving away the entire plot of the movie and then teases you with a few scary glimpses. A teenage girl’s family moves in next door to a teen boy with a scary past. The teen girl falls for the teen boy and gets embroiled in his scary past. The end. The scary thing could be his dead sister, his live but traumatized sister, a demon that convinced his sister to kill their parents, the dead parents, the live but traumatized parents, the teen boy, a demon possessing the teen boy, or any one of a thousand other things. WE DON’T KNOW. And that’s the way it should be. We should not know until the movie chooses to tell us. I for one will (eventually) go and see what it has to tell me.

THE TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE



Mmm, two baseball movies in a row I wouldn’t mind seeing? (this one and Moneyball)? Maybe I don’t hate baseball as much as I thought….. *turns on baseball on TV*….. annnd nope. Still hate it. What actually happened was that someone figured out that a sports movie that was about more than just sports would appeal to more people. Moneyball had the math angle, this movie has the father/daughter relationship. Not that I believe Clint Eastwood could be Amy Adams’ father. Great Great Great Great Grandfather, maybe. He looks to be about 1,000 years old. But I can overlook it just for this movie because his character is so funny.

END OF WATCH



Oh great, now they’re taking that annoying home movie/found footage gimmick and applying it to a police movie. Which makes it… what? A glorified episode of Cops? And – oh extra joy – the plot is all about how they cross organized crime! At least they’re not involved in organized crime. That would be even more annoying. But it does seem that the more time they spend running from assassin bullets, the less time they have to remember their gimmicky home video premise. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it’s definitely an inconsistent thing. If End of Watch starred someone I liked, MAYBE I could be convinced to eventually rent this DVD, but I don’t care for Jake Gyllenhaal or Michael Pena, so I have no qualms about giving this one a pass. It’s a limited release, so not everyone will get it anyway.

ROLLER TOWN



Ugh, it’s like a bad parody of Flashdance, which was itself also a bad movie. I didn’t laugh once during this trailer, and by halfway through I was bored and wanted to turn it off. HALFWAY THROUGH A TWO MINUTE TRAILER. That joke at the end was more sad than funny, because it’s so true. Score one more success for Canadian film! Geez, I don’t know whether we just suck at making movies or if I’m just the purple penguin of Canada, but I’d be hard pressed to think of even one Canadian film that came out in the last five years that I even wanted to see. Maybe no one will give us money to make movies because they know we won’t make anything good (not that that ever stopped people funding American movies).

Also, if you’re in Sydney on Thursday, Sept. 20 at 7pm you can catch the Cape Breton Film Series showing of PINA, a formless, plotless collection of interpretive dancing scenes.

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Trailer Reviews for September 14, 2012

RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION



It’s time for another Resident Evil: Compound Vaguely Dangerous Sounding R Word. I’m not even sure which one this is. Four? Six? Five hundred? I’ve seen most of them, but not all of them, though I couldn’t identify the ones I have seen due to the aforementioned naming trend. It makes little difference, as the storyline is so messed up that missing one won’t make it any less confusing. The movies usually start with Alice being dumped into the company of some random people (who will later be killed) but this time she’s apparently a super creepy, super not believable suburban mom who’s married to the warrior guy from The Mummy. What?? It’s all a trick, but what possible purpose could the Umbrella Corporation have for making her think she was not creepy? And didn’t they already take over the world? I look forward to seeing what retarded explanation they come up with.

FINDING NEMO 3D



This movie came out ten years ago. I like it. I might even go so far as to say it’s one of my favorite cartoons, but I’m not going to pretend I’m happy that it’s back in theaters. It’s taking up a theater that could be used for a new (actually new) movie and the 3D will be that token aftermarket diorama effect that only impresses four year olds. If your kid hasn’t seen it, save yourself ten bucks (more like forty if your whole family is going) and rent the DVD. And please, studios, stop trying to wring the last few cents out of your old stuff and actually make something new.

Also, if you’re in Sydney on Thursday, Sept. 13 at 7pm you can catch the Cape Breton Film Series showing of Oslo, an artsy, slow moving film about a recovering Norwegian drug addict.

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Trailer Reviews for September 7, 2012

THE WORDS



This sounds a bit like a novel I read once… I think it was one of Philip Margolin’s… but maybe I only think that because there are so few stories about plagiarism. Inexperienced writers are always paranoid about people stealing their ideas but one of the first things we were taught in film school was that our ideas just aren’t that good. If you’re a writer you have too many of your own ideas to get through them all in your lifetime anyway, so you’ve got no need to steal anyone else’s. But having said that, I still really want to see this movie, even though I don’t really care for either Bradley Cooper or Zoe Saldana. It’s the Jeremy Irons/Ben Barnes part of the story that I want to hear about. What happened to him that made it such a great book that Bradley Cooper’s character just HAD to steal it?

THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY



Geez, how many times have I seen this movie or read this book? There’s a person, they’re all nice and normal, then all of a sudden their family is kidnapped and they magically morph into Liam Neeson and become a killing machine, mowing down armies of bad guys in their quest to get their family back and/or protect some arbitrary McGuffin they’ve been entrusted with by a relative who just happens to have a background in espionage. And the trailer features them jumping off a roof. Henry Cavill is supposed be one of the “it” guys of the moment, so I’ve got to wonder – did he decide he wants a house in Palmdale or something? Otherwise, why did he pick this totally cookie cutter script out of all the things he’s probably being offered?

BEAT DOWN



I had a really hard time finding a trailer of the correct film to post on here, so that should tell you something about how widely it’s going to be released – as in not very. It’s about wrestling (possibly my least favorite sport) and it stars that guy from Trailer Park Boys (possibly my least favorite show), so you can probably also guess that I won’t be beating a path to the theater to see this film. It’s about a girl being a wrestling prodigy (even if it is that super fake wrestling they put on TV) so there is something appealing about it, but I think I’d rather just pop in my Whale Rider DVD instead. Same story, less wrestling, more better.

COMPLIANCE



Okay, really? Some random guy on the phone claiming to be a cop tells a fast food restaurant manager to strip search her employee, AND SHE DOES? Not only the manager but the employee falls for it too? No one thought to hang up and call the police station? Or tell the supposed cop to get off his ass and come down there if he’s got investigating to do? Or – I don’t know – PRESENT SOME SORT OF EVIDENCE BESIDES THE SECOND HAND WORD OF A SUPPOSED CUSTOMER that the employee had done something wrong? How dumb are they? And this happened in real life, if you believe the “inspired by true events” part. It looks like an interesting movie. I want to know how it turns out. But I worry that the characters will come off so stupid that I can’t find it in me to give a crap about what happens to them. If that happens I’ll probably end up turning it off halfway through.

FAREWELL, MY QUEEN



I don’t know why everyone is so fascinated by Marie Antoinette. She doesn’t seem like a particularly nice, active, or observant person, but she did get her head cut off, so that will have to suffice. There’s always a gimmick with Marie Antoinette movies. Last time it was that she was wearing Converse sneakers. This time it’s that she’s a lesbian. The story still ends the same way, though, so I don’t see why I need to watch it again. Plus, this movie looks like it will be boring – a lot of lounging luxuriantly around, having “meaningful” conversations (i.e. talking with way too many pauses), or spying from behind potted plants while OTHER people do these things. No thanks.

Also, if you’re in Sydney on Thursday, Sept. 6 at 7pm you can catch the Cape Breton Film Series showing of Beasts of the Southern Wild. It’s a dreamily nonsensical pseudo-realistic drama about the Hurricane Katrina aftermath.

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Trailer Reviews for August 31, 2012

LAWLESS



I knew before I even laid eyes on this trailer that I didn’t want to see this movie. For starters, it stars Shia LaBeouf (also known in some circles as Shia LaDouche). He is the least badass actor that I can think of yet people still keep hiring him to act like a badass. (It’s not working. Stop it.) The second thing that turned me off was that it’s about a bunch of criminals whom we are supposed to think of as heroes simply because the villains are slightly worse than they are. I hate watching these kinds of anti-hero movies because I just can’t bring myself to give a crap about a bunch of moonshine bootleggers who end up on a killing spree because some corrupt sheriffs want some of the money they’re making on their illegal enterprise. So I guess you’ve figured out that I’ll be skipping this one.

THE POSSESSION



Oh hello, Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Here I was thinking I wouldn’t see anything new this week because we aren’t getting anything worth watching, but I think I’ve changed my mind. I mean, this movie is so far so standard in terms of horror movie stories. There’s a kid. She touches something she shouldn’t. She becomes super creepy and possessed. Everyone tries to explain it away. Sh** gets real. People get killed. Religious experts get consulted. And the ending is either tragic or ambiguous. And then they try to say it’s a true story because it’s based on some story the writer overheard at a coffee shop that supposedly really happened to the the friend of the nephew of a lady from the teller’s knitting club. But it’s got Jeffrey Dean Morgan in it, and that’s enough for me. Besides, maybe it will even make me jump a few times.

FOR A GOOD TIME CALL



Wow, 24 seconds in is all it took to convince me I wouldn’t like this movie, even though I got a favorable impression from the blurb. It’s not a record. In fact, it’s a depressingly common occurrence. I watch 5 or 6 trailers every week for this thing and I’m lucky if I turn up one movie I actually want to see. I haven’t laughed at a bodily function joke since I was about 12, but apparently I’m in the minority here because these “raunchy” or R rated comedy movies just keep getting made. Okay, so this one is mostly sex jokes, which I can deal with if they’re actually funny, but the jokes in this trailer are all so standard as to be boring and I keep feeling like they’ve made this movie before, except with actors whose performances weren’t phoned in (if you’ll excuse the pun).

ROBOT AND FRANK



The blurb for this one sounded interesting, but then again, so did the one for For a Good Time Call. I hoped the trailer wouldn’t let me down like the last one, and by seven seconds in, I already knew that it wouldn’t. Because that tiny skinny car is HILAROUS. I’d go see this movie just to see that car again for longer (I should mention that I once chased a tiny three wheeled truck down the street in Amsterdam because I wanted to take a picture and giggle over it forever). Anyway, this movie has several things going for it. It’s funny, James Marsden is in it, and Richard Nixon trains Asimo to become a jewel thief AND THEN THEY GO ON THE RUN TOGETHER. Even I couldn’t think of anything that priceless. So naturally my theater’s not getting it.

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Trailer Reviews for August 24, 2012

PREMIUM RUSH



I hate the title of this movie. It just sounds all wrong for an action movie, even a dorky one where the principals ride around on bicycles yelling at people like a bunch of unruly teenagers. It’s not the rush part that bothers me. It’s the “premium” part. It brings to mind mortgages and fancy things, not gritty pulse pounding action. I might not let the title sour me on the whole film, because I like bikes. Biking can be cool, when you go fast and do tricks and stuff. But I just can’t understand why a bike messenger would risk his life delivering some random envelope, like he lives by a medieval bike messenger code of honor: “give me delivery or give me death!!” Give me a break. I’ll be skipping this one.

HIT AND RUN



Oh ew, Bradley Cooper with dreadlocks? No thank you. In fact, this whole trailer has a really high “ew” factor – Dax Shepard with facial hair, naked old people (how did they convince those people to appear nude in a film?!), and WAY too much casual talk about rape. I can see that it’s trying to be a raunchy comedy, but mostly it’s just racist, insensitive, and gross. There’s no way I’m going to see this.

THE APPARITION



Oh yes, I remember this movie now. It’s the one where Draco Malfoy is trying to be a grown up by looking and sounding nothing like Draco Malfoy. Seriously. I had no idea that was even Tom Felton. Well done, Tom Felton. The movie, however, reminds me a little too much of the Mythbusters episode where Tori, Grant, and Kari tried to find out if plants were psychic by thinking angry things at them and seeing if they wilt (news flash: they don’t). But premises are just excuses to kill people anyway, so how well does The Apparition do that? Pretty well, actually. That thing in the dryer looked a little too much like the girl from The Ring, but I’ve never seen anyone smothered by their own sheets before. I’ll keep it in mind for Halloween.

QUEEN OF VERSAILLES



If you think YOU had a tough time during the mortgage crisis/recession, what with losing your retirement savings, the bank foreclosing on your home, and having to stand in line at the food bank you used to donate to, this movie would like you to know that your suffering is nothing compared to these people, who had to give up their dream of owning a home with thirty bathrooms that rivals the French royal palace in size. For shame, how could you be so selfish!? Obviously, for your oversight you should have to pay $11.50 to sit through a movie about this vapid woman, who tragically seems not to realize how vapid she is. Maybe you’ll get a few laughs out of it. I think it would just make me depressed.

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Trailer Reviews for August 17, 2012

THE ODD LIFE OF TIMOTHY GREEN



I complain a lot about how there aren’t many new ideas getting made into movies, so I can’t argue with this one: an infertile couple want a kid so badly that one grows out of their garden. It’s a nutbar idea, of course, but most of the best ones are. At least, I hope The Odd Life of Timothy Green could be one of the best ones. It’s got that same “weird yet moving child” sort of feel you got with Pay it Forward, but hopefully without the sad ending. They don’t reveal much of the plot in either of the trailers apart from the fact that he comes from the garden, which could be a good sign or a bad one. But Jennifer Garner and Joel Edgerton agreed to be in it, so I’m going to take it as a good one.

THE EXPENDABLES 2



Oh God, not another one. I suppose I should have expected this – washed up action stars are always looking for ways to be not washed up anymore – but after the first one was so not worth my time I had hoped to avoid a sequel. But I can’t, and if possible, this movie looks even worst than the first one. They’ve not only expanded Schwarzenegger’s cameo into a full-on role, they’ve also taken on Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme, the kings of wooden acting land. And WTF? What is Liam Hemsworth doing here? Washing up before he’s washed out? All they need is Steven Segal, Clint Eastwood, and Christian Slater to jump on the bandwagon and we’ll have the whole set of bad 90s action movie trading cards. You would think that with a cast so ponderously large the film would collapse under its own weight, but luckily they don’t need any plot development beyond “go here” and “blow that up.”

PARANORMAN



Oh no! I want to see this movie too! Which do I choose? The Odd Life of Timothy Green or Paranorman? (or The Expendables 2 for its sheer hilarious terribleness?) I hate these weeks. Coraline was a great movie and I love the stop motion. I’m not sure the whole being scared/change who you are line really fits in with the lighthearted tone of the rest of the trailer and the “bullied loser saves the town” plot has been done to death, but those zombies are really hilarious looking and I love the hockey mask joke. If I don’t see this next week, I’ll probably go to it the week after.

SPARKLE



Wait wait wait… their names are Sticks and Sparkle? Did their mothers think they were adopting dogs? Who names their kids that? I might believe it if Whitney Houston was really their mom (famous people always give their kids crazy names) but she’s only acting… or trying to, anyway. Mostly it just seems like a promotion to reignite interest in Whitney Houston’s music (dead people still sell records). Plot wise it’s pretty much the same as Joyful Noise except set in night clubs instead of churches and with Whitney Houston taking over the role of singer mom who doesn’t want her pretty daughter to be a singer lest she be knocked up and have her life ruined. I liked Joyful Noise, but this one just seems too phoned in. I’m going to skip it.

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Trailer Reviews for August 10, 2012

THE BOURNE LEGACY



I can’t wait to see this movie. I’m actually going to work on my vacation because I don’t want to miss letting everyone know how awesome this movie is going to be (Yes, I’ve already decided. Shut up!) The Bourne movies without Matt Damon’s wooden acting? Can it be? Was this made especially for me?? (Shh! Yes it was!) I love Jeremy Renner, especially after he kicked ass in Mission Impossible 4. He’s going to be perfect for this, I can tell. And of course Rachel Weisz is always great. I just hope they did away with the shakey close-up camera work when they ditched Matt Damon (there’s a new director, so I have high hopes). Tune in on Sunday night… or possibly Monday, depending on how tired/busy I am from vacationing, to hear exactly how awesome I thought it was (or, in a worst case scenario, exactly how badly it let me down). Cross your fingers!

THE CAMPAIGN



I’m so glad this is releasing opposite The Bourne Legacy so there’s no chance I’ll have to see it. I greatly dislike both Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell and I don’t think either of them are funny… or at least, they aren’t very often. The worst is when directors just let them riff their own lines, spewing verbal diarrhea all over the place and attempting to be funny simply by shoving unrelated words together. Exceptions can be made for Celebrity Jeopardy skits, but this is no Celebrity Jeopardy skit. It looks like a movie with a lot of riff-diarrhea. I also don’t like politics and movies about unlikeable people, so this is a triple threat of awfulness for me. Don’t expect to see me in the theater, so feel free to laugh at these doofuses without my glowering to distract you.

HOPE SPRINGS



Hope Springs was the name of a completely different Colin Firth movie from 2003. I don’t see why these people couldn’t have called theirs something different to spare everyone the confusion. It’s not like Meryl Streep’s character is named Hope and she’s making a resort with hot springs or working in a factory that makes springs. She and Tommy Lee Jones are just two people whose marriage is falling apart. Ho hum, how many times has THAT been done? Therapy, soul searching, unfulfilled dreams, yadda yadda. But it is funny to watch her shopping for sex tips from gay men and him imitating Steve Carrell playing a therapist. I might actually watch this someday.

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Trailer Reviews for August 3, 2012

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID: DOG DAYS



Ah, the continuing adventures of my least favorite tween: Greg Heffely. Thankfully, I’m on vacation this week or I might have had to go see this with one of my friends, who despite being in her 20s is still inexplicably a Wimpy Kid fan. Also thankfully, they won’t be able to keep going with these for much longer (at least not with the same kid playing Greg) because he’s starting to take on that half-molded putty person look that teenagers get while they’re growing and half the time he sounds like a 20 year old. I won’t be sorry to see these rambling, disconnected series of fart jokes go… but of course they won’t go anywhere. The worst series take the longest to die, so these books and movies will still be going strong when today’s twen fans have tweens of their own.

TOTAL RECALL



Ahh. Now here’s what I want to see! Normally I think remakes are a waste of time, but this is a remake I can actually get behind because a) they’re replacing a cardboard cutout (Arnold Schwarzenegger) with someone who can really act (Colin Farrell) and b) special effects have moved on a lot since 1990. I just hope they don’t call back too far. Specifically, to the original source material. Philip K. Dick had a lot of great ideas that were ruined by poor (or irrelevant nutbar) execution. It doesn’t look like they went back to “We Can Remember it for You Wholesale”, though – lots of battling the Imperial stormtrooper look-alikes in the trailer and not so much with the insane drug induced philosophical ramblings. The best part is that I don’t even remember how the other one ends, so I get to be surprised all over again!

RED LIGHTS



Ooh, this is something I’d like to see as well. Robert DeNiro vs Sigourney Weaver and Cillian Murphy. Paranormal investigator/debunkers running up against an arch-enemy who might actually have psychic superpowers. It sounds like a joke – or an episode of Scooby Doo, but the trailer makes it look really tense and thrilling. Sort of like The Reaping before it plunged off the deep end into the pool of crazy. That Robert DeNiro is in it is kind of a drag – he’s such a clone, always playing the same guy. But it’s good to see Cillian Murphy again. I wondered what he’d got up to after Batman Begins.

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Trailer Reviews for July 27, 2012

THE WATCH



I really don’t want to see this movie. It looks stupid. I don’t like Jonah Hill. Most of the time I don’t like Ben Stiller either (Tropic Thunder is my one big exception). When the two of them are accosting that skateboarder at the police station, I want to leap through the screen and beat them to death just so they’ll shut their stupid faces. Vince Vaughan I can take or leave, and Richard Ayoade I’ve never heard of, but I’m inclined to like him because he’s British. None of this makes me eager to see yet another movie about a bunch of immature doofuses acting like immature doofuses, even if there are aliens involved. The problem is that the only other movie coming to my theater this weekend is Step Up Eleventy Billion, and I’m not sure that’s going to be more worse (or less better).

STEP UP REVOLUTION



I think they’ve actually lost track of how many of these films there are – either that or the numbers have become ponderously large – because they’ve stopped putting the sequel number in the title. This one is just called Revolution, which is following the “random r word” rule used by the Resident Evil series. The actual plot of this movie is incidental – they’re all so cookie cutter that my under-12 writing group at the library could write one. There’s a dancer. Somone doesn’t want him/her to be a dancer. He/she gets a boy/girl friend, this person encourages them to dance, there’s a dance off, the end. This time they threw in an “evil property developer” cliché. I’m not saying I haven’t enjoyed any Step Up movies, but if I have to sit through even one rendition of “International Love” without an escape route I may cannibalize the entire theater… not that there will be anyone else in it.

BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD



The poster makes this movie look like an animated feature. So does the blurb, which goes on about bonkers things like holding together the fabric of the universe and prehistoric beasts on the loose. I mean, their names are ‘Wink’ and ‘Hushpuppy.’ So I was surprised when I hit ‘play’ on the trailer and found out it had real people in it. The kid’s pretty cute, but I’m still trying to figure out if this is a Melancholia sort of story (i.e. a pretentious poetic metaphor thing… possibly for Hurricane Katrina) or a Where the Wild Things Are sort of story (i.e. a weird kid living in her imagination thing). Judging from how many pretentious comments were left on YouTube and IMDB, I’m guessing the former.

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