JACK RYAN: SHADOW RECRUIT
I’m looking forward to this movie. I like Chris Pine. I liked the other Jack Ryan movies (especially The Sum of All Fears) and I don’t mind that they’re departing from the Tom Clancy source material (I find his books too dense and technical anyway). He’s a little more James Bond-y than he used to be, but that could be a good thing. The James Bond movies have moved away from James Bond-y ness and into the realms of grittiness and shaky cam, so there may be niche there to be refilled. Actually, now that I watch the trailer again, I’m thinking it’s more complicated and mysterious (more Mission Impossible) than James Bond. If it plays its cards right, it could become my second favorite spy franchise.
THE NUT JOB
I do not like that purple squirrel’s voice. It’s too deep and harsh for a light family film about squirrels stealing nuts. Also, if I wanted to see a movie about animals planning an elaborate operation, I’d watch Chicken Run or The Fantastic Mr. Fox.I know it’s a kids’ movie, but this trailer didn’t even make me laugh once. Cliched movie dialogue doesn’t automatically become funny just because it’s being delivered by a squirrel.
So she’s possessed by her devil baby? That’s interesting I guess. But the trailer took all the life out of the idea for me. They showed everything except for the very end, which I’m assuming will be along the lines of The Exorcist. And can I just say: enough with the found footage. I’m tired of the contortions the characters have to go through just to explain why they’re filming every horrible thing that happens to them, just so the movie can look cheap.
Stop talking and show me the damn trailer! Also, WHY is that lovely woman dating that immature loser? That’s another thing I’m tired of! Beautiful, intelligent, well-to-do women in movies who are dating lazy, unattractive morons for no other reason than ‘the plot demands it.’ The trailer was three minutes long, yet I saw no hint of a redeeming quality that might make me believe those two were in a relationship. So no, even though I like buddy cop movies and even sometimes movies where the main character is an idiot, I will not see this movie.
2013 is over and it’s time to rank the movies I saw according to their bestiness and worstiness. As I paged through my review notebook listing films according to their secret star rating, I noticed three things. One: franchise films have done well with me this year. Two: I only saw 45 movies. And three: only one of them was bad enough to rate one star. My policy this year was not to waste money on bad movies, but it made me realize that bad movies have their uses. They force you to think about WHY the movie bad, and they make for hilarious reviews. I therefore resolve that 2014 shall be the year of using my Scene points to see crappy movies.
And now, the list. If you don’t agree with it, feel free to argue with me in the comments. That’s what they’re for. Just keep it clean, ok?
OUT OF THE FURNACE
So… Christian Bale plays Jennifer Lawrence in Winter’s Bone? Plus a rifle and some miscellaneous punching scenes? I don’t know what attracted all those Academy Award nominees (and Zoe Saldana) to this movie, but I’m not interested. It’s too gritty and dude-centric, plus I feel like I’ve already seen this story done really well. Sorry Christian Bale.
I’m big into not wasting money on things I know I won’t like and I’ve already seen all the other movies in theaters that I wanted to see. Looks like I’ll have to find something else to talk about on Sunday.
THOR: THE DARK WORLD
Thor! Hey buddy! Good to see you again! Any chance you’re gonna take a few minutes in this movie to stumble over some hilarious Earth customs? I’d love to be able to add something like ‘Thor Goes to the Grocery Store’ or ‘Thor Uses an ATM’ to my list of potential Marvel picture book plotlines. No? You plan on smashing things and arguing with Loki for two straight hours? Yeah, that’s what the trailer looked like. I just thought I’d ask. I’ll still come, of course. Because there’s Team Thor/Jane/Loki. But in the future, if you want to throw in a little more ‘myeh myeh,’ I’ll be really happy.
KILL YOUR DARLINGS
Ugh. Please, no more Beat Poets! They’re so pretentious and annoying! And the stories about their lives are always so messed up and depressing. I’m sorry, Daniel Radcliffe, you’re very good. But there’s no way I’m seeing this movie.
Looks cool. It’s like the Into Thin Air for K2. They make it seem like there’s a big conspiracy but then one of the reviewer quotes describes it as a cliffhanger… I hope she meant literally because I don’t want to see it if they don’t at least decide on a theory as to what happened to everyone.
It’s almost Halloween and this week’s new releases were pretty underwhelming. None of them were even horror movies! Being poor, I’m into voting with my wallet, so I decided to save money and do another list instead of subjecting myself to a movie I knew I wouldn’t like. This list is all about horrifying things that are actually real and could really happen to you (so no vampires, aliens, giant monsters, sharks inside a tornado, etc.) not all of the movies on here are technically horror movies, but I really liked each one and they all contain at least one scene that I wished I could un-see. If you’re a horror fan and you’ve already seen all the good horror movies, or if you’re just looking for new ideas for your Halloween party, maybe this will help you broaden your horizons and/or scar yourself for life.
This is the big week when Empire Theaters becomes Cineplex, so if you live in Atlantic Canada, whether or not your theater opens Thursday or Friday or not for a while may be up in the air. I’m excited to start spending my Scene points, but it does make finding out what’s playing this week a little tricky, as the schedule’s not up. As far as I can tell, these are the movies that are likely to be playing.
ALL IS LOST
I don’t care what all those quotes in the trailer say, this movie looks BORING. One guy alone at sea wasn’t even that interesting when it was Life of Pi, and that guy had a tiger to contend with. Don’t get me wrong, survival at sea makes for a great story. But I think I would like it better as a book.
Nope. No thanks. And double ‘no’ on the Cormac McCarthy factor. I think Michael Fassbender is great, but even he’s not going to be enough to save this movie for me. This guy has everything – great love, great job, great house so he decides: what the hell – let’s smuggle some drugs! I would find it impossible to sympathize with a guy like that. Plus McCarthy’s books are all depressing as hell.
JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA
I think the studios all got together and decided to release only movies that I would hate this weekend. I can’t stand these movies where they go out in public and act like a**holes just to film bystanders’ reactions. Also, they ripped off that beauty pageant scene from Little Miss Sunshine.