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Sucker Punch Review

poster from the Warner Bros. film Sucker Punch

This was an awfully lean week for new movies. My choices were limited to Roderick Rules, which I could only be induced to suffer through in exchange for a large pile money, and Sucker Punch, which was greatly anticipated by comic book nerds but looks retarded. Stupid won out over torturous, of course. Sucker Punch is Zack Snyder’s third blowout action movie, the other two being 300 (dumb) and Watchmen (decent). It looks like another comic book movie, but actually it’s not. He made up the whole thing and it goes like this:

A young woman finds refuge in escape plans and fantasy worlds after she is committed to an institution for the criminally insane.

The thing about his making up the whole thing himself is that there’s no one else he can blame when the movie turns out badly. I’m guessing a lot of people will be sucked in by the trailer’s visuals forget to think about that crucial, make-or-break element: story. I’ve watched the movie. I’ve seen the visuals. I know the story. So I can now tell you that my suspicions were correct. Sucker Punch is retarded.

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Top Ten Fictional Film Pilots

I love airplane movies, especially fighter plane movies. There’s just something about dodging enemy planes at high speed five feet from the ground that screams “awesome!” But if there’s one thing I’ve noticed from years of watching movies, it’s that the best fictional pilots aren’t always in films that you could classify as plane movies. Sometimes they’re not even the main characters. Even if they’re only in a few scenes, even if aircraft aren’t the primary focus of the film, these pilot characters have mad skillz and they deserve to be recognized. So what follows is a list of the top ten most awesome, most skilled, most interesting movie pilots of all time.

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Ella Enchanted: Quote of the Week

An unfortunate number of teen movies (and by teen movies I mean movies starring characters who are teenagers but appeal to the 8-11 year old demographic) capitalize on how obsession-prone little girls are by starring a name teen du jour and having absolutely nothing to contribute to anything. Another Cinderella Story is a good example of this, since it can’t even be bothered to come up with it’s own title.

Not so one of my favorite girly teen movies: Ella Enchanted. Ella’s storyline is very Cinderella-esque: Ella’s a commoner and she falls in love with a prince, but Ella’s “gift” of magical obedience and Prince Charmant’s slavering fan club make this a movie that pokes fun at the whole obsession-movie genre. That’s why I love it.

In fact, one of my favorite quotes from the movie illustrates how hilariously apt the satire is. It comes from a scene in which Prince Charmant’s fan club is receiving a tour of his castle.

“Ladies! Ladies! Stop tonguing the foyer!
– The Tour Guide

This excellent writing could be from any one of the five credited screenwriters: Laurie Craig, Karen McCullah Lutz, Kirsten Smith, Jennifer Heath, or Michele J. Wolff , or the original writer of the novel the movie is based on: Gail Carson Levine, so let’s just say good job to them all and move on.

Buy Ella Enchanted on DVD

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A Parliament of Flames

As the owner of a movie related website, I frequently have cause to look up information on IMDB. Whenever I do so, I always make a point to scroll down to the bottom to look at the message boards, just for a laugh. I’ve found some pretty ridiculous thread titles, but the funniest part is always how even the most reasoned debates eventually degenerate into two people hurling insults at one another. This thread was so funny I had to read it out loud to my brother in its entirety. It was on the Sam Worthington boards, but it doesn’t matter which actor/movie you look up, there’s always a thread like this. Here are a few choice snippets:

rajak1: What you see as subtlety in your little fangirl world is a lack of acting talent in the real world.

Athena21: People in the biz obviously see him as talented. Someone like you (someone with the maturity of a two-year-old) will never understand why they do – but that’s ok because people are allowed their own opinion and retarded people like you are always given extra leeway anyway.

rajak1: I think you are the only one here on this board not able for a serious discussion, cause your behaviour on this (and other boards) is like a hormone-driven drama queen.

Athena21: You wouldn’t know a serious discussion if it bit you on the arse. For one thing, you don’t debate. I often do… I can’t decide whether to think of you as a kid that has lost their favorite toy or a hormonal thirteen year old. Either way you are someone who is a complete joke.

rajak1: If you cannot stand the critism here on this board, maybe you are too much a pantywaist…

Athena21: …you are a troll, and trolls aren’t welcome.

Two people with no idea how to debate debating over their (in)ability to debate… did your brain just explode? I think mine did.

As long as internet message boards offer users the ability to hide behind screen names and there’s zero possibility of “debaters” ever having to meet in person, this sort of thing will continue to happen. People have to let off steam somehow. It makes me wonder, though: what if the internet style of debating bled over into politics?

Currently, parliamentary debates in Canada are boring. Their discussions on renewable energy go something like this:

ALBERTA MP: Blah blah oil blah blah prosperity blah blah taxpayers blah blah deficit blah.

ENVIRONMENT MINISTER: Blah blah climate change blah blah future blah blah biomass blah blah responsibility blah.

If, however, we let the politicians wear little paper bags over their heads…

I move that anyone who disagrees with me has to wear a PLASTIC bag

…. and pick out nicknames for themselves, then their debates would sound more like this:

Iluvtrees: We need to stop burning coal and oil or the environment will be ruined in only, like, twenty years.

Icecapzsukmaiballz: Twenty years, pff! Who cares?

Iluvtrees: U should! I care!

Icecapzsukmaiballz: Yeah, only cause u r like, married to a tree, you dirty hippie.

Iluvtrees: U should talk, what do u do with all that oil, ne way greaseball? Bathe in it?

Icecapzsukmaiballz: Shut up, u r so immature. We r supposed to be having a debate and u r just insulting me. U r so stupid, ur brain cellz must be dead from all that patchouli u r sniffing.

Iluvtrees: I m not debating??! U r the one who callz ppl dirty hippiez when they have legitimate concerns. Maybe if u wernt getting it up the bum frum the oil companies we could have a real discussion!

Icecapzsukmaiballz: I m not gay!!!!! Ask ur mom, I gave it to her last nite and she loved it.

Iluvtrees: F*** you, a**hole.

…and at this point the censor would have to step in, since these things are usually televised, but wasn’t that more entertaining? It’s like C-SPAN crossed with Jerry Springer. Apparently Australian parliamentary debates go something along these lines. Bill Bryson, in his book In a Sunburned Country, says it’s well worth the trip to Canberra to hear them go at each other. I’m totally putting that on my list.

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Hot Fuzz: Quote of the Week

poster for the film Hot Fuzz

Edgar Wright has directed some of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen – namely Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Upon rewatching Hot Fuzz, a movie about a big city cop wreaking action movie havoc in a small town, I was surprised by how little of the comedy (for me, anyway) was dialogue based (as opposed to action based, or tone-based, where quoting it removes the funny).

There were a few quoteable lines, however, and one of my favorites is the conversation Nick (Simon Pegg) has with the Andys (Paddy Considine and Rafe Spall) in the pub when he first gets to town.

ANDY: Did you know there are more guns in the country than there are in the city?
OTHER ANDY: Everybody n’ their mums is packin’ round here.
NICK: Like who?
ANDY: Farmers.
NICK: And?
OTHER ANDY: Their mums.

The dialogue gets REALLY funny when they swap out all the swear words with innocuous phrases like “peas and rice!” for the TV version. It’s on the DVD special features but you can watch it online here.

Buy Hot Fuzz on DVD

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Music and Lyrics Quote

Music and Lyrics from Castlerock Entertainment

It’s unfortunate but true that sometimes longer you try to be creative in the same vein the less creative you end up being because you’re running out of ideas. Some actors have made a whole career out of romantic comedies, so it’s not surprising when some of their efforts later in their careers turn out to be less than worth the effort of watching them (think Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock in Two Weeks Notice).

This was why I was so surprised when Music and Lyrics, turned out to be everything you want in a rom com. It stars Hugh Grant as Alex, a washed-up 80s pop star who falls in love with Sophie, his new lyricist. It’s funny, cute, well plotted, and did I mention funny?

There are a lot of great lines I could pull from Music and Lyrics. Marc Lawrence, who wrote and directed the film, did a great job. However I’ll just share this one with you, since it’s still funny, even out of context.

SOPHIE: That’s wonderfully sensitive, Alex, especially for a man who wears such tight pants.
ALEX: It forces all the blood to my heart.

Buy Music and Lyrics on DVD

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Spongebob Squarepants: Quote of the Week

I can’t believe I’ve been doing the “quote of the week” thing for three weeks and I haven’t mentioned my favorite quote EVER IN THE WORLD. Every time the profile police ask for my information they always want a favorite quote. This is the one I always give them.

There are many quotable quotes from Spongebob Squarepants, on account of it is hilarious and awesome, but this one is the best of them all. It’s from the episode “Naughty Nautical Neighbors,” where Squidward tries to ruin Spongebob and Patrick’s friendship to stop them from being so annoying but it backfires when they start competing to be best friends with HIM instead.

The quote is from Squidward, after Spongebob has done yet ANOTHER exceptionally clueless thing.

SQUIDWARD: Spongebob, If I had a dollar for every brain you don’t have, I’d have one dollar.

I feel this way about most people.

Buy SpongeBob SquarePants: Season 1 on DVD

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Batman Begins: Quote of the Week

I have always loved Batman. He was the only superhero on my regular cartoon lineup that it was even remotely possible for a normal person to emulate, on account of he achieved all his feats without any powers (unless money counts as a superpower). I highly enjoy both of Christopher Nolan’s new Batman movies, but (and I realize I’m in the minority here) I think Batman Begins was a better movie.

Someday I’ll get around to doing a Batman Begins review and a Dark Knight review so I can show you once and for all where I’m coming from. But for now, you’ll have to settle for this quote, which illustrates the biggest difference between Batman Begins and Dark Knight: the subtle humor.

In the scene, Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman), the temporary head of Wayne Enterprises, is showing Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) some unmarketable memory fabric, since Bruce claims to have an interest adventurous sports.

LUCIUS FOX: I don’t think they ever tried to market it to the billionaire spelunking base-jumping crowd.

If you love Batman Begins too, you can get the Batman Begins (Two-Disc Special Edition) for less than $20 now. Mmmm special features.

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Quote of the Week: Just My Luck

This week’s quote comes from a movie that you wouldn’t really expect to turn out notworthy phrases. For one thing, it’s a romantic comedy. For another, it starred Chris Pine (who would later go on to be James Kirk in Star Trek) and Lindsay Lohan (who would later go on to become wierd and drop off the end of the Earth).

I did enjoy the movie, but the script, written by I. Marlene King and Amy Grant from a story King wrote with Jonathan Bernstein, Mark Blackwell, and James Greer, is just your typical phone-in job which occasionally gets side tracked to pimp a band I’ve never heard of.

However, there was one hilarious and clever line, assigned to a bit character who only shows up for about 30 seconds, that almost seemed like it came from somewhere else. Here it is:

In the scene, a nameless Haz-Mat Officer (played by Kevin Scalon) explains the state of her apartment to a clueless and and unlucky Ashley Albreight (Lindsay Lohan).

HAZ-MAT OFFICER: Flood. Yeah, it’s the technical term for a lot of water where it shouldn’t be.

Buy Just My Luck on DVD

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