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Unusual Uses for Socks and the Website Gets a New Feature

the future of stephen moyer's modesty sock from true blood

Usually on Friday I write something really insightful about something I saw on the internet. Though it was tempting to make some hilarious comments about the fact that people are actually competing to buy Stephen Moyer’s “modesty sock” from his nude scenes on True Blood (what does one do with a penis sock, anyway? Shadowbox it and hang it over the mantle?) but I stopped myself because that would be too easy. (And speaking of easy, if you’re only wearing a sock, and it’s not on your foot, you can pretty much stop calling yourself ‘modest’ and –) Hey! Stop that at once! We are not talking about genital coverings today! (So what kind of sock is it? A tube sock? A an ankle so–) No! Dammit. This is so hard! (Get it?) Argh!!

Anyway so I thought instead of making such crude and tasteless jokes (You could sew flappy ears on it and call it an elephant puppet) that I’d draw your attention to the fact that for the last week and a half or so I’ve been working on a new feature for the website. Look, you can see it on the nav bar there…. up the top of the screen… no, above the photo… no, under the logo thing… yeah, it’s that tab on the end that says “Review Library.”

You see, I watch way too many movies to review them all the long way with the pictures and everything, but I figured I’d share my opinions on them all anyway (you’re welcome), but shorter. Like in a paragraph. And with the poster and who’s in it and what it’s about in there too, you can use it to pick out what movie you want to watch if you’re renting some DVDs.

There are about twenty of these mini reviews up right now, and I’ll be adding more whenever I get time. Some of them are for newish movies that are still in the theaters, like The Other Guys or Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, and some of them are for movies that are on DVD but you probably haven’t even heard of, like Moon (which is awesome) and No Vacancy (which is not). So go check them out.

Anyway, now I have to go. I have to get down to the theater and back post haste if I want to see a movie before Hurricane Earl gets here and blows me to Newfoundland.

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A Parliament of Flames

As the owner of a movie related website, I frequently have cause to look up information on IMDB. Whenever I do so, I always make a point to scroll down to the bottom to look at the message boards, just for a laugh. I’ve found some pretty ridiculous thread titles, but the funniest part is always how even the most reasoned debates eventually degenerate into two people hurling insults at one another. This thread was so funny I had to read it out loud to my brother in its entirety. It was on the Sam Worthington boards, but it doesn’t matter which actor/movie you look up, there’s always a thread like this. Here are a few choice snippets:

rajak1: What you see as subtlety in your little fangirl world is a lack of acting talent in the real world.

Athena21: People in the biz obviously see him as talented. Someone like you (someone with the maturity of a two-year-old) will never understand why they do – but that’s ok because people are allowed their own opinion and retarded people like you are always given extra leeway anyway.

rajak1: I think you are the only one here on this board not able for a serious discussion, cause your behaviour on this (and other boards) is like a hormone-driven drama queen.

Athena21: You wouldn’t know a serious discussion if it bit you on the arse. For one thing, you don’t debate. I often do… I can’t decide whether to think of you as a kid that has lost their favorite toy or a hormonal thirteen year old. Either way you are someone who is a complete joke.

rajak1: If you cannot stand the critism here on this board, maybe you are too much a pantywaist…

Athena21: …you are a troll, and trolls aren’t welcome.

Two people with no idea how to debate debating over their (in)ability to debate… did your brain just explode? I think mine did.

As long as internet message boards offer users the ability to hide behind screen names and there’s zero possibility of “debaters” ever having to meet in person, this sort of thing will continue to happen. People have to let off steam somehow. It makes me wonder, though: what if the internet style of debating bled over into politics?

Currently, parliamentary debates in Canada are boring. Their discussions on renewable energy go something like this:

ALBERTA MP: Blah blah oil blah blah prosperity blah blah taxpayers blah blah deficit blah.

ENVIRONMENT MINISTER: Blah blah climate change blah blah future blah blah biomass blah blah responsibility blah.

If, however, we let the politicians wear little paper bags over their heads…

I move that anyone who disagrees with me has to wear a PLASTIC bag

…. and pick out nicknames for themselves, then their debates would sound more like this:

Iluvtrees: We need to stop burning coal and oil or the environment will be ruined in only, like, twenty years.

Icecapzsukmaiballz: Twenty years, pff! Who cares?

Iluvtrees: U should! I care!

Icecapzsukmaiballz: Yeah, only cause u r like, married to a tree, you dirty hippie.

Iluvtrees: U should talk, what do u do with all that oil, ne way greaseball? Bathe in it?

Icecapzsukmaiballz: Shut up, u r so immature. We r supposed to be having a debate and u r just insulting me. U r so stupid, ur brain cellz must be dead from all that patchouli u r sniffing.

Iluvtrees: I m not debating??! U r the one who callz ppl dirty hippiez when they have legitimate concerns. Maybe if u wernt getting it up the bum frum the oil companies we could have a real discussion!

Icecapzsukmaiballz: I m not gay!!!!! Ask ur mom, I gave it to her last nite and she loved it.

Iluvtrees: F*** you, a**hole.

…and at this point the censor would have to step in, since these things are usually televised, but wasn’t that more entertaining? It’s like C-SPAN crossed with Jerry Springer. Apparently Australian parliamentary debates go something along these lines. Bill Bryson, in his book In a Sunburned Country, says it’s well worth the trip to Canberra to hear them go at each other. I’m totally putting that on my list.

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Casting Bond 23

bond 23 poster

With MGM up for sale and Bond 23 on indefinite hiatus, current James Bond actor Daniel Craig has jumped ship in favor of the English adaptation of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, leaving the role of James Bond potentially open for casting once things at MGM have been settled.

Before Craig was cast for Casino Royale, Australian actors Hugh Jackman and Sam Worthington were also being considered for the role, leading me to believe MGM was interested in reaching new audiences (i.e. Australian ones) with their choice of Bond. They didn’t go for it, obviously, since they chose Daniel Craig, but perhaps when MGM has a new head they’ll actually try to reach out. They won’t choose Jackman or Worthington, of course. The new head of MGM will want to put his or her “stamp” on things, so they’ll choose someone else entirely. Someone British (some things never change).

I have some casting suggestions for the James Bond role based on which new audiences MGM wants to attract to the theaters, hopefully solving the studio’s money problems.

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Paul the Octopus Oracle

The other day, my dad was telling me about Paul the Octopus, a clairvoyant octopus who lives at the Sea Life Aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany. By choosing from among a set of mussels with national flags painted on them, Paul correctly predicted the outcome of every one of Germany’s games in World Cup soccer.

That’s pretty amazing, considering most octopuses are so dumb that they’ll squish themselves down to the size of a pencil and worm their way out of their tanks so they can flop around in the air and die. Either he’s such an octopus genius that he build a secret time machine to see into the future or there’s mystical stuff going on in that tiny brain of his.

Naturally everyone wants to own such a talented octopus. Spain especially wanted to buy him after he predicted that they would win over Germany in the final. The aquarium’s not selling, though, and I couldn’t afford him even if he was. But some days I need a magic octopus to tell me what to do. So I’ll have to settle for the next best thing.

Oh Squidley the Magical Movie-Predicting Octopus, which movie is the best one to go to?

squidley the movie predicting octopus

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Inception: Why it’s not as awesome as you think (or as awful)

There seems to be something of a war going on over Christopher Nolan’s latest film Inception. On one side you’ve got the online critics (like Laremy Legel from Film.com), who seem to be in a competition to get a quote on the DVD box, and the print critics (like Andrew O’Hehir from Salon) who seem to be using the movie as an excuse to unload all their bottled up vitriol on the undereducated internet plebs.

If you haven’t seen Inception, it’s about a team of thieves who steal ideas from people’s dreams. They decide to attempt a supposedly impossible feat – planting an idea. It’s really cool to watch but it had major consistency issues and that’s all I can say to you right now without giving away the plot. If you want to keep reading, go see the movie. I’ll wait.

Back? Well, just to be safe, I’m going to give this warning (cover your ears).

CAUTION! THIS ARTICLE WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS! DO NOT CLICK ‘READ MORE’ UNLESS YOU ARE OK WITH BEING EXPOSED TO SPOILERS!!!!

For those of you who have seen Inception and were confused by it, you may be interested to know that this is not your fault.

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How to Make a Hollywood Action Movie

I have money (sometimes). I like to spend that money on tickets to action movies. GOOD action movies. Action movies that make me go “Yessss! That is so AWESOME!” not “Guuuugh, that is sooo LAME!” I have seen a disturbing number of the latter type films in theaters lately so I thought current and future Hollywood producer types might appreciate (okay, more NEED than appreciate) this guide on how to get my money from me.

You could be forgiven for looking at the less-than-stellar repertoire of action stars like Steven Segal or Jean Claude Van Damme and extrapolating the formula for making a successful Hollywood action film as follows:

The Hollywood Action Equation: Boobs + Bombs = Money

Roughly translated as: boobs plus bombs equals massive pile of money

But if all you want is successful, go back to Underachievers Anonymous, because you’re obviously not getting the message. Film is an art form as well as an entertainment medium. Contribute, dammit! You should be aiming for maximum entertainment value: and that means making a GOOD action movie.
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iPod Stereo

The folks at Apple have spend millions (billions?) of dollars convincing us that we’re not cool unless we buy their products. Toward that end, they’re constantly coming out with newer, shinier, more unnecessary objects that suddenly everyone can’t live without (example: iPod). Why do they do all this? Because they want our money, of course!

Well Apple, if you want money, what’s better than having every teenager in the world buy an iPod to watch teensy tiny movies on? That’s right: having every teenager in the world buy TWO iPods to watch teensy tiny movies on!

How will we accomplish this, you ask? Simple. Modify the new iPods so that when two iPods are placed next to one another, they are able to simultaneously play the same video. If the viewer places one iPod in front of each eyeball: voila!

I call it: iPod Stereo. Like a pair of binoculars, it creates a 3-D like effect in your brain – the illusion of depth!  This is doubly appropriate because Apple likes to create the illusion that their products have depth (i.e. usefulness) when in reality they’re only meeting a demand that they themselves created through marketing the product (though there are possible exceptions for arty pursuits). And what’s more, you can even charge them extra for a little pair of plastic glasses to mount their two iPods in.

So I say to you, Apple, scheming money out of magpie teenagers: there’s an app for that!

Buy an iPod… or two

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The Inner Turmoil of a Lawn Chair

image is "weedy lawn chair" by chair las (used to me meesa 1)... cranky today... on FlickrThe “real” movie critics (you know the ones I mean – they’re the ones whose columns are in your morning paper courtesy of the Canadian Press) spend most the year giving 1.5 stars out of 10 to fun, well-made, popular movies like Indiana Jones, Fight Club, and Iron Man, which inspire legions of fans to flock to conventions in goofy costumes.  It’s like the movie never reaches them. They’re just going through the motions in a job they hate, kind of like you pounding off spreadsheet after spreadsheet at your boring office job.

However, hand them their press pass to make the rounds on the festival circuit, and they come alive. They’re handing out accolades left right and center to nonsensical plotless “masterpieces” made on Super 8 handhelds by goat farmers in Afghanistan. 

Normal people watching these movies are either confused or want to shove drill bits into their eyeballs out of boredom. Why do critics love these movies? Because they’re new and different.

Then the makers of these movies are flooded with positive quotes for their DVD boxes and sales jump. Therefore some producers look for stories that the critics will like and then pour money into them.

So I thought to myself: if that’s all it takes, I’ve got a movie idea that will win the Palm d’Or. It’s called: The Inner Turmoil of a Lawn Chair. Allow me to pitch you my idea, producerperson.

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