CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER
I can’t decide if the Winter Soldier’s identity is supposed to be a secret. Black Widow is talking like the guy’s a big mystery, but you can see his face a couple of times in the trailer. Even if you don’t already know the answer from reading comics, you’ll recognize him from the other movies. It doesn’t really matter, I suppose. I’ll still see it. I like Cap better in his own movies than in the Avengers, because he gets to be funny instead of herding cats around all the time. Also, that winged jet pack is awesome. If I was the Cap, I’d be like: where’s MY winged jet pack?!
CAS AND DYLAN
Let me guess – she has such a meaningful, heartwarming adventure with the dying guy that once he dies she writes a meaningful heartwarming book that gets published super easily, the end. I feel like I’ve seen all this before.
Okay, I applaud them for finding a different excuse for their characters to be filming every weird and horrible thing that happens to them, but it doesn’t make sense. Who is editing and uploading the footage to their blog once they’re dead or full of rabies or whatever? And whose first instinct when their buddy comes down with rabies is to grab the camera and take it with them to the hospital? Though illogical, the rabid hulk/spiderman chest camera shots are pretty cool.
The movie I wanted to see this week was Devil’s Knot – the fictionalization of the West Memphis Three story. But the only new movie we got was I, Frankenstein. In keeping with my New Year’s Resolution to see more bad movies on Scene points, I presented myself for the Saturday matinee. Fate decided to step in and save me by canceling the showing, so I asked for a ticket to whichever of last week’s movies started next. It turned out to be Devil’s Due.
A young couple who were kidnapped on their honeymoon return home pregnant with a fetus that causes terrible things to happen.
I like horror movies but I preach moderation in the showing of monsters and blood because absence and expectation make for more tension and scariness. Devil’s Due showed a lot of restraint in that department… too much, unfortunately. It crossed the line between tense and boring.
JACK RYAN: SHADOW RECRUIT
I’m looking forward to this movie. I like Chris Pine. I liked the other Jack Ryan movies (especially The Sum of All Fears) and I don’t mind that they’re departing from the Tom Clancy source material (I find his books too dense and technical anyway). He’s a little more James Bond-y than he used to be, but that could be a good thing. The James Bond movies have moved away from James Bond-y ness and into the realms of grittiness and shaky cam, so there may be niche there to be refilled. Actually, now that I watch the trailer again, I’m thinking it’s more complicated and mysterious (more Mission Impossible) than James Bond. If it plays its cards right, it could become my second favorite spy franchise.
THE NUT JOB
I do not like that purple squirrel’s voice. It’s too deep and harsh for a light family film about squirrels stealing nuts. Also, if I wanted to see a movie about animals planning an elaborate operation, I’d watch Chicken Run or The Fantastic Mr. Fox.I know it’s a kids’ movie, but this trailer didn’t even make me laugh once. Cliched movie dialogue doesn’t automatically become funny just because it’s being delivered by a squirrel.
So she’s possessed by her devil baby? That’s interesting I guess. But the trailer took all the life out of the idea for me. They showed everything except for the very end, which I’m assuming will be along the lines of The Exorcist. And can I just say: enough with the found footage. I’m tired of the contortions the characters have to go through just to explain why they’re filming every horrible thing that happens to them, just so the movie can look cheap.
Stop talking and show me the damn trailer! Also, WHY is that lovely woman dating that immature loser? That’s another thing I’m tired of! Beautiful, intelligent, well-to-do women in movies who are dating lazy, unattractive morons for no other reason than ‘the plot demands it.’ The trailer was three minutes long, yet I saw no hint of a redeeming quality that might make me believe those two were in a relationship. So no, even though I like buddy cop movies and even sometimes movies where the main character is an idiot, I will not see this movie.
2013 is over and it’s time to rank the movies I saw according to their bestiness and worstiness. As I paged through my review notebook listing films according to their secret star rating, I noticed three things. One: franchise films have done well with me this year. Two: I only saw 45 movies. And three: only one of them was bad enough to rate one star. My policy this year was not to waste money on bad movies, but it made me realize that bad movies have their uses. They force you to think about WHY the movie bad, and they make for hilarious reviews. I therefore resolve that 2014 shall be the year of using my Scene points to see crappy movies.
And now, the list. If you don’t agree with it, feel free to argue with me in the comments. That’s what they’re for. Just keep it clean, ok?
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE MARKED ONES
At first I was like… are they sure this is a Paranormal Activity movie? Because it seems like one of those indie dramas about poor kids coming of age/getting in trouble. And then they grabbed a video camera and it became The Blair Witch Project, set in the wilderness of ‘the hood’ with Native American dreamcatchers taking the place of creepy stick figures, and not turning on the lights taking the place of legitimate darkness. And then it became The Exorcist. So it’s kind of all over the place. BUT I probably still would have seen it if it hadn’t come out on Top Five/Bottom Five week, because the Paranormal Activity movies at least have a decent chance of making me jump out of my seat.