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The Inner Turmoil of a Lawn Chair

image is "weedy lawn chair" by chair las (used to me meesa 1)... cranky today... on FlickrThe “real” movie critics (you know the ones I mean – they’re the ones whose columns are in your morning paper courtesy of the Canadian Press) spend most the year giving 1.5 stars out of 10 to fun, well-made, popular movies like Indiana Jones, Fight Club, and Iron Man, which inspire legions of fans to flock to conventions in goofy costumes.  It’s like the movie never reaches them. They’re just going through the motions in a job they hate, kind of like you pounding off spreadsheet after spreadsheet at your boring office job.

However, hand them their press pass to make the rounds on the festival circuit, and they come alive. They’re handing out accolades left right and center to nonsensical plotless “masterpieces” made on Super 8 handhelds by goat farmers in Afghanistan. 

Normal people watching these movies are either confused or want to shove drill bits into their eyeballs out of boredom. Why do critics love these movies? Because they’re new and different.

Then the makers of these movies are flooded with positive quotes for their DVD boxes and sales jump. Therefore some producers look for stories that the critics will like and then pour money into them.

So I thought to myself: if that’s all it takes, I’ve got a movie idea that will win the Palm d’Or. It’s called: The Inner Turmoil of a Lawn Chair. Allow me to pitch you my idea, producerperson.

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How to: Make Sequels to Snakes on a Plane

If his filmography is anything to go by, Samuel L. Jackson will act in anything. He’s appeared in no fewer than 127 productions in 37 years, which is an average of 3.5 jobs per year. The only explanation I can think of for his being so absurdly busy is that he made himself a promise that he would accept any role that came to him regardless of size, moneymaking potential, or quality. That’s how we ended up with this underrated gem of a film:


a film so simple the title doubles as the synopsis

Amazingly, the simple formula Snakes on a Plane follows turned out to be a winner. This is its mathematical expression, no doubt used in the pitch meeting for the film to tone down the immense complexity of the idea into something studio executives could understand:


snake + plane = money

In fact, this model was so successful that they’re already working on a sequel, Snakes on a Plane 2: Snakes on a Train (I kid you not, that is the real title). While the odds of you making any money off the original franchise are only slightly higher than the possibility of your winning the European lottery, Samuel L. Jackson’s willingness to work on everything his schedule will allow does give you the potential to cash in.

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Terminator Salvation Review, or Why You Should Never Get Into a Helicopter With John Connor

 good Terminator Salvation poster: the one without the giant metal face

Six years after the rather lackluster Terminator 3 came out and one year into the canon-bending Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles improbably named director McG got the go-ahead for a fourth film in the Terminator series: Terminator Salvation.

Terminator Salvation picks up the “John Connor is the hero of humanity” story from the first three Terminator films, but in the future, then the machines rule. Instead of following John this time, our hero is Marcus Wright a convicted murderer who wakes up in post Judgment Day Los Angeles fifteen years after his own execution to find himself in the middle of an all out war between the last remaining humans and the machines controlled by Skynet.

Sounds cool right? Unfortunately some people, even some people who are Sam Worthington have criticized Terminator Salvation for being plot-holey and a little unfocused. (FYI Sam Worthington played Marcus Wright, in case you were wondering why anyone cares what he says).

Click below to read more about that these mythical “some people” say, and what I say back to them.

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An Open Letter from the Battlestar Galactica to its Inhabitants


It’s really hard for me to hold a pen, so I’m only going to say this once…

It all started when Starbuck came back…

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