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Trailer Reviews for April 11, 2014

RIO 2



Giant meh. The first Rio was pretty good, but I don’t remember it fondly enough that the thought of a sequel makes me excited. Jesse Eisenberg’s nervous parrot is a little annoying, I don’t like the dog… or the singing… none of the jokes in the trailer made me laugh and one of them (the super bicep parrot) seems like it’s ripped off The Fairly Oddparents. The only thing I really like is the evil cockatoo, and I don’t think I want to see a whole 3D movie just for that.

DRAFT DAY



Moneyball with football? Most of this seems like it takes place in an office… or on the phone. It doesn’t seem very exciting, but they managed to pull it off in Jerry Maguire. Even if it doesn’t get very tense, I’d rather watch this than another Rio movie.

OCULUS



Sadly, this movie has nothing to do with the Oculus virtual reality headset (that would have been a cool horror movie, eh?) I dunno about this. The trailer tells us nothing of the story. Something weird happens with a mirror that may or may not involve souls being taken, depending on whether the poet who wrote the voiceover was being metaphorical or not. I like horror, but the fake blood in the mirror looks cheesy, and the mirror thing has been done before, so I’m going to stick with Draft Day this week.

DOM HEMINGWAY



“Jude Law as you’ve never seen him before!” says the trailer. “Yes, with a different accent,” says I. The character and the accent seem funny but the whole ‘screwup tries to make up with his family’ thing isn’t drawing me in. Maybe because I’ve seen it too many times before. Or maybe I just don’t like screwups.

THAT BURNING FEELING



Okay, so, what is the plot of this movie? That scruffy guy has to tell all the people he slept with that he may have given them an STD? Or is he trying to get somebody to date him while he has an STD? Or both? I didn’t get much from that trailer other than that the characters are quirky enough to attract ‘name’ actors who are not quite famous. It’s still funnier than I expected, so it’s possible I may rent it later on.

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DVDs for April 8, 2014

smaug

The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

Attention my one friend who likes these movies (hi, John): the longest movie in the world is now available to bore you right in your own home! If you’re the type that likes the extra long, extra boring re-cuts (hello again, John) then you’ll want to wait for the extended edition. This one only has a few featurettes. For those of you who aren’t familiar, this is the second film in a one-book trilogy about a hobbit and some dwarfs who are trying to kick a dragon out of a mountain. There’s a lot of filler. Read my review for more.

Buy The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

grudge match

Grudge Match

Other appropriate titles for this film would be Bum Fights: The Movie and Battle of the 80s Has-Beens: a sort-of Music and Lyrics Spinoff (but not really). It features creaky old Sylvester Stallone and flabby old Robert DeNiro as a pair of aging boxing rivals who agree to make a spectacle of themselves in public for money by fighting a rematch. If you want to see a comedy where 9/10 jokes are in the vein of “I’m too old for this sh**”, this is the movie for you. Otherwise, I wouldn’t bother.

Buy Grudge Match on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

marked ones

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

Otherwise known as Paranormal Activity: The Other Side of the Tracks. Whereas the previous films have all featured hauntings among white suburban families, this movie switches things up a little. It’s still found footage and it’s still connected to the overarching story, but it’s about an inner-city Hispanic kid who gets possessed after he sticks his nose in his weird neighbor’s business. It’s rather a lot like all the other possession movies, but if you’re into horror I still think you should see it. There’s a scene where the kid pulls a worm out of his own eyeball.

Buy Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

august osage

August: Osage County

I am not a fan of dysfunctional family dramas, especially not when they’re adapted from plays, because there tends to be too much talking and not enough happening. That’s the kind of movie this is. Here’s the extent of the story: there’s a family crisis, the whole family comes home, they squabble a lot until the movie’s over. There are a lot of famous people in it, but that’s because they like to flex their acting muscles by getting all worked up and yelling at each other, not because the story is good. Critics like it, but normal people… not so much.

Buy August: Osage County on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

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Trailer Reviews for April 4, 2014

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER



I can’t decide if the Winter Soldier’s identity is supposed to be a secret. Black Widow is talking like the guy’s a big mystery, but you can see his face a couple of times in the trailer. Even if you don’t already know the answer from reading comics, you’ll recognize him from the other movies. It doesn’t really matter, I suppose. I’ll still see it. I like Cap better in his own movies than in the Avengers, because he gets to be funny instead of herding cats around all the time. Also, that winged jet pack is awesome. If I was the Cap, I’d be like: where’s MY winged jet pack?!

CAS AND DYLAN



Let me guess – she has such a meaningful, heartwarming adventure with the dying guy that once he dies she writes a meaningful heartwarming book that gets published super easily, the end. I feel like I’ve seen all this before.

AFFLICTED



Okay, I applaud them for finding a different excuse for their characters to be filming every weird and horrible thing that happens to them, but it doesn’t make sense. Who is editing and uploading the footage to their blog once they’re dead or full of rabies or whatever? And whose first instinct when their buddy comes down with rabies is to grab the camera and take it with them to the hospital? Though illogical, the rabid hulk/spiderman chest camera shots are pretty cool.

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DVDs for April 1, 2014

47 ronin

47 Ronin

Based on a true story (sort of), 47 Ronin features a group of samurai who attack a rival faction to get revenge for the death of their master. The difference between this movie and the other 47 million films about Japanese martial arts is that this one is American, stars Keanu Reeves, and is mostly a vehicle for CGI. Paradoxically, this Japanese story will best be enjoyed by people who are not fans of Japanese cinema because it seems so inferior by comparison. However, if you just want to watch some hackey slashy and cool special effects, you might actually enjoy it.

Buy 47 Ronin on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

anchorman 2

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Will Ferrell’s iconic newsman and his entourage emerge from the 1970s and attempt to join the 80s by taking over a 24 hour news channel. Like Anchorman, you’ll either love this movie or hate it. Unfortunately the litmus tests seems to be attempting to watch one of the films. Haters (like me) rarely make it to the end. Some clues that you might not like this movie include: disliking other Will Ferrell movies, being offended by sexist/racist/anythingist jokes, and squirming with agony when characters embarrass themselves. Watch at your own risk.

Buy Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

pirate fairy

The Pirate Fairy

In this straight-to-DVD movie, Disney makes yet another feeble attempt to bring its Princess properties into the 21st century… by slapping a 19th century bar wench outfit on a fairy and setting her up as a misunderstood Tinkerbell villain. She apparently stole some pixie dust and Tinkerbell’s crew has to rescue it whilst attempting to sort out their switched-around powers. It’s a Tinkerbell movie so a lot of little girls will like it, but it mostly leaves me wondering who switched Disney’s brains around with bags of rocks.

Buy The Pirate Fairy on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

knights of badassdom

Knights of Badassdom

Knights of Badassdom is a goofy horror comedy about a group of scewups who accidentally summon a succubus while at a live action roleplaying convention (sort of like a pretend medieval camping trip/battle re-enactment). It’s better than Your Highness, mostly because it stars Peter Dinklage and Ryan Kwanten instead of Danny McBride, but it’s still pretty dumb. You might like it if you’re a fan of that Supernatural episode where Sam and Dean infiltrate a LARP convention as part of a case.

Buy Knights of Badassdom on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

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Muppets Most Wanted Review

poster from the Walt Disney Pictures film Muppets Most Wanted

The offerings this week consisted of Noah (too ridiculous) and Bad Words (too angry) so I decided to turn back the clock to last week and see Muppets Most Wanted. I’ve never been a big fan of Kermit, Miss Piggy, or any of the ‘big’ Muppets but I do love backgrounders like Beaker, Robin, and Statler and Waldorf. Plus the last movie was really funny.

After taking Kermit’s place, international criminal Constantine and the Muppets’ manager Dominic Badguy use their world tour as a cover for stealing priceless artifacts.

I’m always worried that a movie with a hilarious trailer will be disappointing because it used up all its good jokes already. Luckily, that didn’t happen here. Though I did occasionally wish for less Muppets and more supporting cast, it turned out to be as funny as the last one.

Read More

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Trailer Reviews for March 28, 2014

NOAH



Literal bible interpretations are not my cup of tea, for the same reason dumb action movies are not my cup of tea. They put something that’s obviously impossible up on screen for dramatic effect and I have an aneurism. Jazzing it up with famous actors and special effects isn’t going to suck me in. Especially not for this movie. I almost had an aneurism just watching the trailer. All the animals in the world will not fit on a boat. Especially not the boat Russel Crowe and his family just built. And while we’re on the subject of boats, that is not a boat. That is a box. It’s too long and it’s not even sealed up. It would crack in half and sink faster than the Titanic. You can say magic helped them all you want, but if they’re floating on magic, why do they even need a boat? I’m really glad I haven’t seen Muppets Most Wanted yet. Otherwise I might have had to go to this.

BAD WORDS



Hmm. I’d see this before I saw Noah (I’d probably watch a Transformers movie before I saw Noah) but I don’t think I’d like it very much. Though I think the concept of an adult technically allowed to compete in a spelling bee because he never passed 8th Grade could be funny, the tone here is too mean and angry to be funny. It would have to be sillier and more heartwarming before I’d go for it.

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DVDs for March 25, 2014

Wolf of Wall Street

The Wolf of Wall Street

This movie, which could also be called Douchebags Spend Your Retirement Savings is the latest in a long line of Martin Scorsese/Leonardo DiCaprio teamups. It tells the true story of a Wall Street stockbroker named Jordan Belfort, who made a buttload of sketchy money and was subsequently tackled by the FBI’s white collar crime division. If you have a heart condition and a burning hatred of fatcat fraudsters, watching this movie will probably kill you.

Buy The Wolf of Wall Street on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

delivery man

Delivery Man

This movie is an Englishization of a Quebec movie called Starbuck. Vince Vaughn plays a screwup who discovers that his sperm bank donations have resulted in the birth of over 500 kids, all of whom want to meet their ‘dad.’ He’s not sure he wants to meet them, so he insinuates himself into their lives without telling them who he is. I’ve never found Vince Vaughn characters as ‘lovable’ as advertised, but you should see this movie just to watch Chris Pratt keep a straight face while being slapped by a toddler.

Buy Delivery Man on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

walking with dinos

Walking with Dinosaurs

This movie was mostly a 3D vehicle made to bring in kids who wanted to see CGI dinosaurs roaming around. While a lot of work was put into the effects, almost none was put into the story. A kid on an archeology trip gets a lecture that turns into a movie about a clumsy little dinosaur whose dinosaur tribe is migrating through a valley full of predators. Bad dialogue, thin plot, and heavy handed lecturing make this a big flop for all but the littlest and least discerning children. Just put on The Land Before Time instead.

Buy Walking with Dinosaurs on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

scooby wrestling

Scooby Doo! Wrestlemania Mystery

Otherwise known as the movie that ruins Scooby Doo. He and the gang travel to a Wrestlemania event (blergh) which is threatened by a ghost bear thing (what??) so the Scooby gang has to solve the mystery before the event can continue. And a bunch of “wrestlers” (sarcastic air quotes) have cartoon cameos. As you can probably guess, I hated big fake wrestling even as a kid (when they were still insisting it was real) but if you or your kids are fans you might like this movie better.

Buy Scooby Doo Wrestlemania Mystery on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

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Trailer Reviews for March 21, 2014

DIVERGENT



I’ve been looking forward to this movie. The book is excellent. It reminds me a lot of how we’re always trying to put people in boxes with those personality tests – like there are only sixteen kinds of people in the world. I fully expect the movie to be as good (or better) than The Hunger Games, provided they steered clear of all that shaky-cam that plagued the first Hunger Games movie. The trailer says it does. Woot! Bring on Friday!

MUPPETS MOST WANTED



It’s a shame this movie opens the same week as Divergent, because everything about this trailer makes me laugh. “Kerrrrrmeet da frog heeer.” Dominic Badguy. “Thees is my car. Eet is illegal now for eets massive size.” “Turn dem back on, I can’t see anything!” I’m dying over here. The good news is that there’s nothing I care about coming out next week, so I can just wait and do the Muppets then. ERMEGERD MERPERTS!!

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DVDs for March 18, 2014

frozen

Frozen

Frozen is the big-deal cartoon cartoon of the year (it just won an Oscar) but to me, this confused story about a princess trying to get another princess to unfreeze their land is just Disney’s first, fumbling attempt to bring their damsel-in-distress musical model into the 21st Century. The reindeer is cute and the twists on convention are amusing but the songs all sound the same and the plot meanders all over the place. Check out my full review for more.

Buy Frozen on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

saving mr banks

Saving Mr. Banks

If you’ve ever wanted to see a Disney movie about how they get the rights to make movies, this is for you. It follows the (sort of) true story of author Pamela Travers and her twenty year fight with Walt Disney over the rights to her book Mary Poppins. Travers is portrayed as unpleasant and Disney as a giant man-child and their battle is less interesting than the flashbacks to Travers’ childhood in Australia. It’s not strictly true to life but it does make a compelling movie. Read my review for more.

Buy Saving Mr. Banks on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

american hustle

American Hustle

This movie won a bunch of Golden Globes but no Oscars (as is usually the way with Golden Globes and Oscars) and is almost as popular as David O. Russell’s last movie, Silver Linings Playlist. It didn’t appeal to me, but if you like crime dramas where everyone’s in over their head and nobody’s quite sure who’s going to be conned by who when, then you might. It follows a pair of con artists (Christian Bale, Amy Adams) and an FBI agent (Bradley Cooper) who worm their way into mafia circles in New Jersey.

Buy American Hustle on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

mandela

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

This film, which is based on Nelson Mandela’s autobiography, is a school history style overview of Mandela’s life, starting with his childhood. It chronicles his opposition to South Africa’s racist Apartheid policy, the time he spent in jail, and his decision to pursue a peaceful resolution. It ends with him becoming president. Since this movie is more about ideology and personal struggle than chronicling the violence of the time, it’s not too gritty to show to young people. With a PG-13 rating, it’s appropriate for classes of junior high schoolers and above.

Buy Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom on DVD or on Blu-Ray.

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Trailer Reviews for March 14, 2014

NEED FOR SPEED

)

No. Nope. Nuh uh. If I want to oogle expensive cars, I’ll watch Top Gear. At least those guys are funny. What I will not do is watch another terrible video game adaptation starring a guy who has that same dopey look as Deputy Dewey from Scream. Also, that stunt with the helicopter was a whole lot more hilarious in my head, where the chains just ripped off the car bumper and those two idiots plunged to the bottom of the canyon in a big dumb fireball.

ENEMY

)

Directed by the Prisoners guy or not, this looks slow and boring. I’m only mildly curious about why there are two guys who look the same and I feel like the answer to the puzzle is some kind of spaced-out metaphor that would just piss me off anyway. So no way.

THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL

)

I have kind of a love/hate relationship with Wes Anderson films. I love The Life Aquatic and Fantastic Mr. Fox but I hated The Darjeeling Limited (too depressing, not funny enough). This one looks to be more on the goofy side of things, so I’ll see it.

VERONICA MARS

)

Ah yes, the Kickstarter movie the Veronica Mars fans funded when they couldn’t accept the cancellation of their beloved show. I never watched the TV show and I don’t live in one of the select cities this film will be playing in, but if you are/do, I hope you get your money’s worth out of it. I think it looks like Nancy Drew as written by Joss Whedon.

TYLER PERRY’S SINGLE MOM’S CLUB

)

Tyler Perry invents babysitting?

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