X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST
This movie looks incredibly ambitious. It has a huge cast that’s been doubled on account of everyone having a past and a future self. I worry that since time travel is so tricky, they’ll break their own rules. And even if they don’t, won’t it seem really rushed and chaotic as they try to squeeze everybody in? However, I love the first two X-Men movies and First Class was amazing. If this movie does as promised and wipes out the atrocity that was X-Men 3, I will be a very happy person.
This is a TERRIBLE movie. Not only is it horrifically unfunny, it also sends the message that single women are soft carpets who can’t raise boys not to burn their damn house down, that girls raised by single men are all involuntary tomboys, and that people with kids are too dumb to go on a date without spitting in each others’ faces. I like the idea of a movie about a blended family coming together, but this movie is light years dumber than Yours, Mine and Ours.
THE LOVE PUNCH
I don’t understand why this movie is called The Love Punch but it looks MUCH funnier than Blended. I love Emma Thompson and Pierce Brosnan and the whole ‘adventures of hilarious older people’ genre. If I was going to a romantic comedy this weekend, I would pick this one. But I’m not, because X-MEN!!!!
My choices this week were as follows: 3 movies I’ve already seen, 2 religion movies, 1 documentary for little kids, and 3 movies that looked even worse than this one. My hands were tied, in other words. If I hadn’t promised to see more bad movies this year, I would have stayed home. But I did promise, so I went to the frat boy movie.
A pair of former partiers who now have jobs and a baby decide to run the new frat house out of their nice quiet neighborhood.
I didn’t expect much from Neighbors (Bad Neighbours in Britain) but I got even less than I expected. I got awkwardness instead of comedy, a mess instead of a plot, and an entire cast of thoroughly unlikeable characters. I think I just saw my first really solid contender for Worst Movie of 2014.
Many moons ago, I saw a movie called John Tucker Must Die. It was about a group of high school girls who had a secret plan to make the guy who cheated on them miserable. It was funny, so when The Other Woman came along, I was inclined to give it a shot, even though it was similar both John Tucker and First Wives Club.
A woman discovers her boyfriend is married and teams up with his wife and his other girlfriend to get revenge.
I was expecting more diabolical revenge schemes and less getting drunk and falling down, but I laughed a lot, so I wouldn’t say The Other Woman is a waste of time. I would, however, change the title to The Other Women. It’s more accurate and it would set the movie apart from that Natalie Portman drama from five years ago.
THE OTHER WOMAN
There are three of them. Shouldn’t it be called The Other Women? The trailer reminds me a lot of John Tucker Must Die and The First Wives Club, but those were funny movies. I don’t think I would mind watching another movie that was like them. Also, that was Taylor Kinney.
THE QUIET ONES
“If we cure one patient, we cure all mankind.” I’m not sure science works that way, dude. Also, yet another thin justification for found footage. Who went and edited it all together in the scariest possible way after you were all sucked into the sky by the ghost/demon/whatever?
ONLY LOVERS LEFT ALIVE
“You being so reclusive and everything is probably only going to make people more interested in your music…” and also, you look like Tom Hiddleston and you rarely wear a shirt. That’ll do it every time. It looks pretty funny, but also reeeeeally slow. I’m not sure I’d have the patience.
Ugh, and here I’d been thinking parkour looked cool. Way to ruin it, movie.
There’s not much coming out this week apart from old, B-list, and straight-to-DVD movies and TV shows. I don’t feel like mentioning any of them except for:
The Legend of the Psychotic Forest Ranger
This movie was made by and stars people from my town. It’s a horror/comedy/spoof thing based on the 80s horror movie formula. A group of teenagers who aren’t really teenagers get stuck in an area of the woods haunted by a pissed-off ex-forest ranger, who dismembers them one by one until the movie is over. It’s a pretty good for a shoestring-budget movie (they only had about $50,000 to spend). The deliberately cheesy/insane forest ranger steals the show. Check it out or read my review for more.
Otherwise known as: SkyNet – the Movie! I mean, I’ll see it, but how many times do we need to travel the same well-worn territory? Oh no! We created a supermachine and now it can boss us around! The horror!
It’s Earth Day again and time for another kids’ documentary about cute animals. While you’re watching Bears, don’t forget to remind your littleuns that if they ever catch a whiff of the fishy garbage-heap-in-the-sun smell of a real bear, under no circumstances should they attempt to approach and/or pat the cute bears, as they will totally rip your face off.
HAUNTED HOUSE 2
Sometimes I like deliberately dumb spoofs, but this one is just bad. That trailer didn’t even make me smile once.
FACE OF LOVE
While I’m not opposed to the notion of a woman falling in love with a guy who looks like her dead husband (okay, I find it a LITTLE creepy), this looks like one of those slow, quiet (read: boring) movies that make me want to hit fast forward just to make something happen.
TRAILER PARK BOYS: DON’T LEGALIZE IT
I despise Trailer Park Boys, but I know a lot of people don’t, so here’s the trailer. Me: out.