Transformers was dumb. I huffed and snorted so much during Transformers 2 that despite all the noisy explosions, by brother still had to tell me to shut up. Transformers 3 was perhaps the worst of all, in that it was so mediocre I didn’t even enjoy tearing it apart. There was no chance of me going to see Transformers: Age of Extinction, is the point I’m trying to get at. But since it was the only new movie playing this week at my theater, I present you this in lieu of a review.
Once upon a time, there were some robots who were unhappy with the size of their robot penises. They decided to turn themselves into really cool cars. But because Micheal Bay got a lot of money from General Motors, they had to settle for turning into Chevys instead. Except Octdongus Prime. He was so insecure that he turned himself into an 18 wheeler. With big douchey flames on the hood.
What, somebody already had dibs on the yellow Hummer?
The only thing more manly than driving really fast in an unnecessarily powerful vehicle is punching things, so when only a reedy nerd, his inexplicably hotgirlfriend, and a gosh-darn honest American soldier were impressed by their car-ness, they started a robot boxing league. The humans whose office buildings were being demolished during their melees were less than impressed.
Oi! Pipe down there, Moutheus Maximus!
The humans rounded up the robots and dispatched them. Not back to their robot space ship or their robot home planet, but to various junkyards and ocean craters, just in case their office buildings started getting uppity again one day. Or Michael Bay offered them a huge pile of money to run around screaming while robots destroyed their homes.
Come along peacefully, now. Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll be back in a year or two.
So the robots sat and bided their time, surfing the internet for robot penis extensions and pornography, possibly involving vacuum trucks and/or midair refueling drogues. Their friends the earnest soldier, the hot girlfriend, and the reedy nerd grew up and went on to TV shows, horror movies, and jail respectively. The robots thought to themselves: “if only there were other people EXACTLY LIKE THOSE PEOPLE who could help us…”