RIDDICKulous: An Epic Tale

I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d rather stay home this week than pay $11.50 to see another Riddick movie. Money’s tight and must not be wasted on franchises that are really one-offs which have overstayed their welcome. However, NOT seeing Riddick (and therefore being ignorant of the plot details) put me in the unique position of being able to create a best-guess story pieced together from the results of a Google image search for ‘Riddick,’ which, let’s face it, will probably be more entertaining than the real plot of the movie anyway.

So on we go with:

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This is Thick.

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He’s bored. Thick’s kingdom is made entirely of sand. It has no neighbors worth fighting with, and its only exports are machetes and the creepy skulls of dead things, which are less in demand than one might imagine.

Thick’s tanned skin, early onset male pattern baldness and humungous muscles have rendered him undesirable to the ladies of the kingdom, who have all been reading too much Twilight and are saving themselves for pale, skinny, emo boys with goofy haircuts.

For reasons it’s probably better not to look at too closely, Thick’s only source of amusement comes from oiling up his twin brother Dick and making him Jell-o wrestle with monsters stolen from other movies.

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And then, disaster struck! During a particularly daring wrestling move (again, probably unwise not to look too closely at it), Dick contracted an alien STD!

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Alas goggles weren’t enough. After the tragic pinkeye epidemic wiped out nearly all the pale, skinny emo boys with goofy haircuts, the women of the kingdom would take no chances. Dick tried everything to cure his pinkeye.

He bathed in a restorative draught made from elephant bile and yak milk.

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He found all the rarest and most disgusting medicinal skulls of dead things.

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He even brought offerings of ham bone and Beggin’ Strips to Horn Dog, the legendary god of the mountain hyenas.

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Alas he was not granted a cure and was forced to admit that his rampant mucopurulent discharge meant he would forever be an outcast.

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Eventually Thick was forced to throw his brother in jail, because his loud, pathetic sobbing was keeping everybody up at night. In jail, Dick’s only sources of amusement were re-enacting classic fairy tales with a series of increasingly disgusting toothy hand puppets…

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…and plotting the downfall of his jailers.

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One day, Dick used the explosive power of his extremely smelly unwashed behind to overpower his guards and escape.

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Thick sent all his deadliest masked pinkeye bandits after his brother.

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The results were predictable.

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Eventually there was but one choice – to unleash the power of pinkeye’s only natural enemy: boobs.

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They shot him in the head and he died.

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THE END

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