THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN
Dear Spiderman (sorry The Amazing Spider-Man),
Movies do not come out on Monday. Movies come out on Friday – or, occasionally, at midnight on Thursday. I know some of them have been sneaking out on Wednesdays, but these are badly behaved movies and you are the worst of the lot. Please stick to the rules or I will have to get angry. Having said all that, I’m going to see you because even though the cameras that filmed the last Spider-Man movie are barely cool yet, Andrew Garfield is still a better Peter Parker than Tobey Maguire. Lawn furniture would be better at playing Peter Parker than Tobey Macguire, though, so I’m reserving judgment on the rest until Sunday.
Ooh, drugs and violence among criminals, two of my least favorite subjects for movies! I like Taylor Kitsch, but lately he’s been picking a lot of movies that I don’t like, so I don’t think he’ll be making it onto my Awesome List anytime soon. With all the drug running and the shooting and the rocket launchers and the dangling timeclock of the kidnapped girl, this seems more like a first person shooter game than a movie. I have no desire to see it.
KATY PERRY: PART OF ME
I am not a teenaged girl or a gay man. I don’t even really like pop music. Mostly I switch stations when boppy stuff like Katy Perry comes on. And yet…. I am weirdly interested in seeing this movie. Maybe it’s that Katy Perry seems like a nice person. Maybe it’s that every concert scene looks like a bad acid trip. Or maybe it’s that I want to see where they’re going with the “100% Christian” atmosphere comment – did it hold her back or (*gag*) inspire her? Oh, I won’t see it in theaters of course, especially not in 3D. Or probably rent it… or keep it on if it’s on TV… okay so I don’t want to see it that badly, but I didn’t hate the trailer. That’s something, right?
SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED
Hey, it’s that dorky guy from the movie I forgot about. What’s up, dorky guy? Honestly, I think I will forget this movie exists too. The time travel is probably a metaphor for something and even if it’s not, it’s obvious from the trailer that they don’t actually do it (if they do it at all) until the end of the movie, probably to save money or something. It’s just not reaching out to grab me. Annnnd I’ve already forgotten about it. What movie??
Hmm, I was not aware that lacrosse was a Native American sport. In fact, I wasn’t aware anyone actually played it except for that one girly dude from American Pie. I was also not aware that Brandon Routh was (at least partly) Native American. You learn something new every day. So let me get the plot of this film straight – Brandon Routh is a sleezy businessman who wants to exploit his heritage for money and the only way they’ll agree to it is if he coaches the lacrosse team? It’s like Hard Ball but missing the point. And they’re going to do it to the music of Chumbawamba, whom no one has heard from since like 1995. Sounds promising. Actually, it sounds just like every other sports movie ever made.