Trailer Reviews for June 29, 2012


Something about this movie (either the Channing Tatum or the stripping… possibly both) made it a major vehicle for trailer-based ads, because I had a hell of a time finding one without 30 seconds of crap at the beginning (on the subject of trailer ads – WTF!? We’re putting ads before ads now??) Anyway, they make it seem like the movie is all about Mike finding the right girl and retiring from the stripper life to make coffee tables out of old engine blocks (or something) but in the blurbs the synopsis is all about Mike mentoring a younger stripper, whose name is not Alex Rider but it’s a little creepy anyway. But we all know the REAL point of the movie: Channing Tatum taking his clothes off. They should have just called it Channing Tatum Takes His Clothes Off. It would make a billion dollars the first weekend.


I love Mark Wahlberg in comedies, but he always seems to be paired up with people I can’t stand. Will Ferrell in The Other Guys and now Seth MacFarlane in Ted, which tends to dim my enthusiasm. Maybe you find the concept of a teddy bear with a beer in one hand and a joint in the other humping the scanner at a grocery store inherently hilarious, but I just don’t. There is no connection in my brain between alcohol, drugs, and comedy, so I didn’t laugh or smile once during this trailer. Ted is gonna be a pass for me.


I saw the poster for this and I was like “meh, this tells me nothing. It will probably be about nothing.” The trailer, however, has got me wanting to see it, although I can tell there’s probably going to be awkward sexual tension between Chris Pine and Elizabeth Banks, on account of he’s being nice to her and she doesn’t know he’s her brother. I hate that. It makes everything so weird and awkward and I want to turn the movie off. But the rest of it looked good enough that I’d take a chance on it. I mean, Olivia Wilde is there as the girlfriend so that should help. I hope it helps. Please let it help.


So what is wrong with this guy that he needs to be sent via bicycle and ferry to a remote wilderness cabin? Does he have smallpox? Is he depressed? Is his boss mean? These are the things I think about, and if I don’t get answers, I tend to stop paying attention to whatever comes after. Another thing that bothers me – the title. Your sister’s sister is either you or your other sister, if there are more than two children. Now there, see? I forgot about the rest of the movie entirely. I’m not going to see it now because it irritated me.


Dear Chloe, these last few years have been so hard on our family, but I’m here now, in all my pervy glory, to start the movie with this creepy monologue and make everyone think I’m the villain, when really I’m the helpless patsy taken advantage of by an older woman. April fools! With all the fog and the kidnapped daughter and everything, this looks like a Silent Hill adaptation or something. Even so, I’ll have forgotten it exists by tomorrow. It’s just seems to standard.


HIM: “You look really familiar, though.”
HER: “I get that a lot. Probably because I dress exactly like Sue Sylvester from Glee.”
Normally I hate movies about people cheating on each other, but she’s married to Seth Rogan, so it’s okay. She could push him in front of a bus and I probably still wouldn’t be bothered. I might even smile.


I’m sorry, but I can’t see a movie called “Lola” anything without thinking of Lolita, that Stanley Kubrick movie about statutory rape. Luckily, this movie is nothing like that. It’s just about getting dumped, but not, curiously, about the dumping resulting in her meeting prince charming, unless they left that part out of the trailers. Interesting. I might see it.


Never one to let an idea remain unmilked for long, Tyler Perry brings back Madea in Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection by Tyler Perry starring Tyler Perry written and directed by Tyler Perry. No doubt it will be the biggest atrocity of multiple character acting/cross dressing as a fat old lady since Big Momma went to college.

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