Trailer Reviews for January 13, 2012

CONTRABAND



Um… hasn’t this movie been made before? Hasn’t it been made before with Mark Wahlberg in it? Or perhaps I’m just thinking of the thousands of films, TV episodes, and novels that have also had nothing new to say about crime. Oh! He’s a reformed criminal forced to go back to being a criminal for his FAMILY! How original! Oh no! He leaves his family and they’re kidnapped! THAT never happens in movies!! This movie seems so over the top at times it could almost be a comedy. I mean, wrapping bricks of money around your chest with pantyhose to smuggle it? Is that the best idea you had? Isn’t someone going to get a little suspicious about your squareular paunch? And OH MY GOD the duct tape balaclava? You know that’s going to rip all your skin off, right? Sigh. This movie is far too stupid to warrant any further attention.

JOYFUL NOISE



Again with the tired premise. Oh! We’re poor! But we like to sing/dance/choreograph squads of chickens in cheerleading. If only we had enough money to get to the big concert/competition/chicken chearleading rally so we can win big and earn our money/pride/chicken cheerleading badges. Add in the requisite puppy love subplot and you’ve got a successful Disney franchise. Having said that, however, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie pit Dolly Parton against Queen Latifah. That one scene where they’re fighting in the diner is very funny. I think that just might be enough to tip the scales from “ho hum, seen it” to “I don’t care that it’s a retread because I’m laughing so hard a Junior Mint flew out my nose.” If I have to see something this week (and I do) I’d rather give this a try then Contraband.

THE IRON LADY



I really want to see this movie. What a tough lady! I’ve only ever heard of Margaret Thatcher in movies in a context where she’s messing up some coal miners’ lives or almost causing a nuclear war or something. It’d be so cool to see the other side of things, because of course no one sets out to be the most hated Prime Minister ever. I’m surprised they asked Meryl Streep (who is not British) to play Thatcher. Sure, she does look a bit like her, but surely there was a British actress they wanted? Maybe they all hated Thatcher so much that no one would do it. Anyway, it’s a limited release, so guess whose theater isn’t getting it? That’s right! Mine! And yours too, if you’ve decided you want to see it. Those of you who aren’t interested – you’ll be the ones who get it. That’s just how these things go.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST 3D



I looooove Beauty and the Beast. I kept the VHS tape far longer than I even kept my VCR. I don’t care that re-releasing it in 3D is just a gimmick to get more money and that the 3D is going to be that awful post-production diorama stuff. I’m just happy that I get to see Beauty and the Beast again. Beastly just did not cut it. And there was no singing. Or cute little teacup children. I’d go this week when it opens, but we’re taking our Girl Guides to it next week and I don’t want to ruin it on myself. Besides – how can you review a movie everyone has already seen? What good would that do?

A DANGEROUS METHOD



Call me crazy (hur hur, get it?) but I’ve never seen psychiatry as a particularly dangerous profession. Unless they’re psychoanalyzing serial murderers. Then all bets are off. The doctors in this movie, however, are not psychoanalyzing serial killers. They’re psychoanalyzing one lady – a crazy lady – but one whom they can simply not sleep with if they want. Being a) married and b) in a position of trust over a person who is damaged, not sleeping with the patient is a good idea. So at least one of them does it (sigh… men). And everything falls apart. Quelle suprise. It seems to be that the only dangerous thing is how stupid these guys are.

CARNAGE



The trailer doesn’t give much of a hint as to what the movie’s about, so I’ll tell you what I learned from the theater website: these are two sets of parents who get together to work things out after their kids get in a fight. I can’t decide if it would be hilarious or annoying to watch. It would definitely be hilarious as a short film. These kind of oversensitive, postmodern parents annoy the crap out of me. Seeing someone make fun of them would be immensely satisfying. However, watching them bicker for two hours? Gah.

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