Trailer Reviews for September 16, 2011

DRIVE



Don’t confuse this movie with Drive Angry. While Drive Angry was a retarded Nicholas Cage vehicle about the dangers of crossing Satan (really), Drive is a depressing Ryan Gosling vehicle about the dangers of moonlighting for organized criminals. So basically they both involve cars. I have to say, Ryan Gosling is incredibly blank in this. I think he’s probably supposed to come across as unflappable, but he overshot the mark and ended up looking like a robot. *bleep bloop* I will operate your vehicle for monetary funds. It’s hard to see him being appealing to women and children. Not that anyone who goes to see this movie will care. All they’re looking to see is the driving. Hence the title.

I DON’T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT



“I Don’t Know How She Does It” would be a good title for a documentary about Sarah Jessica Parker’s life. As in “I don’t know how she manages to be famous when she looks like a skeleton with some skin stretched over it and her voice sounds like it emanates from her nose.” It can’t be that people are identifying with her characters, who are all shallow, annoying, and selfish. It can’t be that she chooses really original, one-of-a-kind projects, because it’s all the same “oh I’m so busy, I hardly have any time to screw rich people and buy shoes!” dreck. This movie seems like more of the same, so whether you see it or not depends on whether you’re a Sex in the City fan (dad!) or hater (like me).

STRAW DOGS



I don’t think I would enjoy this movie. It’s not that I’m opposed to violence or revenge (in movies!) it’s just that if I don’t have a clear understanding of why the characters are doing what they’re doing, my brain will get stuck on this problem and as the story progresses and they pile more and more plot onto the flawed premise I’ll get increasingly angry about being the only one who can see that the whole thing should be collapsing like a house of cards in a hurricane. I say this because the Straw Dogs trailer has failed to convey to me a good reason (or any reason, really) why Eric from True Blood and his goons are able to get away with being such psychos to Cyclops and the girl from Blue Crush. I think if I asked the writer he would go: “they just DO okay!? ” The point is supposed to be James Marsden and how he snaps, so if you think you can overlook the rest, you might like it. I’ll just get angry.

THE LION KING 3D



I like The Lion King as much as the next person who was a kid in the 90s, but I think Disney is really scraping the bottom of the barrel if they’re resurrecting twenty year old movies, slapping 3D on them, and assuming this is good enough to release in theaters. The sad thing is that this this will make money, which means in the next couple of years we’ll have Snow White 3D and The Aristocats 3D and The Little Mermaid 3D clogging up the theaters, and we’ll have no one to blame but ourselves. Having said that, however, The Lion King is a great kids movie. But you should rent it, not waste $15 seeing it in the theaters.

PROJECT NIM



If any of you are curious about the inspiration behind some of the material in Rise of the Planet of the Apes, I strongly suspect this is it. I don’t really know why they had to raise Nim as a person in order to teach him sign language, but I guess that’s the point of the film. They must have messed Nim up pretty bad, like a human baby being raised by wolves or something. I want to know what happened to Nim now, but since I can’t attend the Cape Breton Film Series showing, I’ll have to get the DVD. It plays Thursday evening only at 7pm at the Empire Theaters in Sydney.

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