The “real” movie critics (you know the ones I mean – they’re the ones whose columns are in your morning paper courtesy of the Canadian Press) spend most the year giving 1.5 stars out of 10 to fun, well-made, popular movies like Indiana Jones, Fight Club, and Iron Man, which inspire legions of fans to flock to conventions in goofy costumes. It’s like the movie never reaches them. They’re just going through the motions in a job they hate, kind of like you pounding off spreadsheet after spreadsheet at your boring office job.
However, hand them their press pass to make the rounds on the festival circuit, and they come alive. They’re handing out accolades left right and center to nonsensical plotless “masterpieces” made on Super 8 handhelds by goat farmers in Afghanistan.
Normal people watching these movies are either confused or want to shove drill bits into their eyeballs out of boredom. Why do critics love these movies? Because they’re new and different.
Then the makers of these movies are flooded with positive quotes for their DVD boxes and sales jump. Therefore some producers look for stories that the critics will like and then pour money into them.
So I thought to myself: if that’s all it takes, I’ve got a movie idea that will win the Palm d’Or. It’s called: The Inner Turmoil of a Lawn Chair. Allow me to pitch you my idea, producerperson.
This is a lawn chair.
It is conflicted.
It is ill-used.
It is alone.
Through an ingenious new method known as not cutting away or moving the camera at all, we will see life through the lawn chair’s point of view.
Fall turns to winter.
Winter to Spring.
Spring to Summer.
And still it is alone.
Until one day – a change! A new lawn chair enters its sphere. (if this is edging too far into plot territory, we can always cut it out and replace it with more changeless lawn chair videotaping).
Suddenly, it has a companion. A confidant. Someone to weather life’s storms with.
Life is good.
It feels as if it could take on a whole army.
But then, tragedy strikes! Prized, valued, wonderful, life affirming companion is set out with the junk.
The lawn chair retreats back into its private world.
Cloaking its pain in darkness.
So, whatcha think? Brilliant eh? We can film it right now on my 2 megapixel cell phone camera in 15 second increments. Total length: 85000 hours. It’ll be ground breaking and totally unwatchable.
The critics will love it.