There are two decent looking movies opening this week: The Dictator and What to Expect When You’re Expecting, plus my theater has also brought in the hilarious British comedy Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. So you might be wondering: why in the name of all that is holy did I choose to see Battleship instead? I chose Battleship for the same reason we all slow down to gawk at car crashes – because I just couldn’t help myself. That Battleship would be a trainwreck seemed certain from the previews:
A young Navy lieutenant and his pouty friend find that their battleship is Earth’s only hope when they are suddenly attacked by an alien fleet.
The whole “massive alien invasion” thing has been done before in about a million other movies, among them The Avengers, Independence Day, and Transformers 3. But (brace yourself) Battleship is not as bad as Transformers 3. In fact, there were times when I was laughing WITH the movie rather than AT the movie.
Call me crazy, but I actually kind of want to see this movie. Not because I think it might be good, but because I think it might be such a godawful trainwreck that it actually becomes funny, at least in review form. First Bottom Five of 2012 candidate! Whoo! Not only is it a film based on a loosely connected board game, but it also goes the massive alien invasion route that has become irritatingly common in the last few years. Rhianna is a singer who seems to be capable of only one facial expression, so it makes sense that she’d be on the cast, and Liam Neeson has effectively given up, but I have to wonder what Taylor Kitsch and Alexander Skarsgard were thinking. “I need to pay off my mortgage” seems more likely than “this looks like a good movie.”
THE DICTATOR
Sacha Baron Cohen is a funny guy (okay, maybe not so much in Bruno) but his track record combined with the inherently ridiculous lives some real life Middle Eastern dictators lead makes this movie appealing to me. I don’t know if it’s appealing enough to make up for the extreme trainwreck fascination I feel for Battleship though. I haven’t made up my mind yet. The second trailer reveals more of the plot than this one does – it seems like these funny Wadiyan scenes may all be from the opening act and that the bulk of the movie is occupied by “fish out of water” jokes after he flees his country for America and ends up having to live life like the rest of the riffraff. Still funny, but possibly not as funny as life in Wadiya.
WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING
Geez, they’ll make a movie out of anything these days. Self help books (He’s Just Not That Into You), toys (Transformers), board games (Battleship) and now medical advice handbooks. What’s next? Lawn furniture? Having said that, though, I don’t know if the humor of the reality of pregnancy contrasted with the magazine version ever really gets old – the screeching, the mood swings, the crushing of husbands, the leakage of bodily fluids… it’s hard to imagine anyone being able to spin that into a plus. I just hope they don’t go the Valentine’s Day route and turn the ensemble into a ginormous, trite mishmash.
THE LADY
Michelle Yeoh and David Thewlis – two actors I like but would not have thought of sticking together, probably because I would be expecting kung fu fights on treetops and “Avada Kedavra!” Anyway they have good chemistry here, even if David is looking a little worse for wear these days. Even more interesting is the story – I’ve read the graphic novel Burma Chronicles, which mentioned Aung San Suu Kyi in passing as an activist who was under house arrest that the author wanted to sneak in and see, and I always wondered what her story was (not enough to look up a book about it, obviously, but enough that I would see this movie). The events in this movie may have taken place years ago, but they’re still relevant – the military governing body that takes power is still in power in Burma (also called Myanmar).
THE SAMARITAN
Oh joy. A movie about criminals that stars Samuel L. Jackson. Let me quickly put on my hat and run down to the theater for tickets (not). Though it is good to see Samuel L. Jackson in a role that’s not some badass secondary character in every movie ever made, it’s also not good, because the reason he’s so often a badass secondary character is that he can only play that one character convincingly. Usually you can just squint and imagine him with an eyepatch or a lightsaber to turn his current role into Mace Windu or Nick Fury. But in this one he seems slightly more subdued. It’s progress! It’s not enough to make me want to see the movie (especially not when they give it all away in the trailer) but it’s progress nonetheless.
VIRGINIA
Okay… what? Dramatic hostage situation to quirky dysfunctional family comedy in the blink of an eye. After reading the description of this film (blah blah single mom, blah blah sherriff, blah blah political office) I was not interested in seeing it but a few seconds into the trailer I changed my mind (I think it was the peas and carrots comment that did it). Also, that Mormon kid looked like Justin Bieber, and that’s just funny.
I didn’t get a chance to review this one with pictures, but I would have liked to, because it was terrific. It’s based on the first of a series of Janet Evanovich novels about a woman who becomes a bounty hunter and is tasked with bringing in her pain in the ass ex-cop ex-boyfriend (so kind of like Bounty Hunter, but actually good). The plot is action packed (AND it makes sense – bonus) and the dialogue is hilarious. Even if you’re not a Katherine Heigl fan you should like her in this role because she’s spunky rather than bitchy.
This movie purports to be some sort of Blair Witch style fake documentary expose about how the Vatican sweeps certain demonic possessions on the rug but it’s really just a tired rehash of everything we’re already seen in movies like The Exorcist and The Rite. It follows a woman (with a camera crew) who goes to the Vatican’s exorcism school to learn more about her mother’s possession and enlist some rogue exorcists to help her, which of course goes horribly wrong. You can trust me that it’s not worth your time or you can read my full review for more details.
In the last few years, Liam Neeson has stopped taking challenging roles and started beating on people for money. This movie is new and different, because instead of beating on PEOPLE for money, Liam is beating on WOLVES for money. I wish I was kidding, but The Grey is actually about a bunch of guys who survive an Arctic plane crash and trek through some woods filled with wolves who want to kill them. If you want to see Liam fight fake looking wolves with tiny broken airline liquor bottles taped to his knuckles, rent this. If not, congratulations on having good taste.
I was trying to decide whether to feature this movie or Albert Nobbs here, and I figured if you’re on the internet, you’re probably younger than the middle aged people who prefer period dramas like Albert Nobbs and would therefore rather hear about Chronicle, a found-footage horror/sci-fi movie about some teenagers who get superpowers and use them to misbehave. One of them even becomes evil. It’s not up my street but it is a neat idea – something different in the found footage genre – so check it out, especially if you’re a misbehaving teenager.
I know I said I wouldn’t be able to review Dark Shadows this week, but: surprise! It worked out that I could. And I’m glad – Dark Shadows is an updated version of a horror soap from the 1960s and 70s. The words “horror” and “soap” don’t really go together except in a universe where everything is crazy, so naturally it’s screenwriter Seth Grahame-Smith (who wrote Pride and Prejudice and Zombies) and director Tim Burton (who did Corpse Bride) who bring the classic to life (again).
Cursed by the witch whose love he spurned, a rich canning company heir turned vampire spends two hundred years in a box then returns to restore his family’s prosperity.
I really enoyed Dark Shadows because after a decade of supernatural fiction moving further and further away from the vampires-as-monsters model and toward an ideal where vampires are broody sparkly bunny munching boyfriends, it’s refreshing to see something that calls back to the good old days where vampires were scary. Scary and hilarious.
I’ve been really looking forward to seeing this movie. Alas, I won’t be able to review it for you this week because I promised my friend Angella we would save Dark Shadows to see on her birthday, which is next Friday. You can understand that she might not want to end up seeing the horrible abortion that is Battleship: the movie. Anyway, Dark Shadows is based on a TV show from the 60s and it looks completely hilarious in a bonkers Addams Family sort of way. Johnny Depp (I have no idea how they managed to make him look that young) is priceless. “Reveal yourself, tiny songstress!” Unsurprisingly, Tim Burton is directing and the script can be attributed to Seth Grahame-Smith (he of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies fame). I’m counting the days until I get to see this!
THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL
A friend of mine recently returned from India – not in an ambulance, but close – so I would never imagine India would be a good place in which to retire unless your idea of a relaxing day is to spend it on the toilet. However, I can totally see a bunch of stogy old Brits falling for the tourism poster version of the country, which is still slightly dodgy due to misspellings and promises slightly too good to be true. Bill Nighy, Maggie Smith, Judy Dench, and Tom Wilkinson are all fantastic and hilarious in their dry British way and we also get Dev Patel, the boy we all loved from Slumdog Millionare! What’s not to like? I really want to see this movie, like, right now. But it’s a limited release – boo.
CITIZEN GANGSTER
I was already turned off by the word “gagster” in the title, and by the poster, which features a guy in a fedora waving two guns around, but I am required to push through and watch the trailer, so I did and it wasn’t bad. Scott Speedman is a good actor (and cute) so of course that helps, but there’s also a vein of comedy here that I appreciate… or I did, until it disappeared about 50 seconds into the trailer and it became as depressing as the rest of the criminal-as-hero movies I dislike. That said, it still looks better than about 99% of the Canadian movies I’ve ever heard of, which is an accomplishment.
Romance books and movies are often a good choice for Mother’s Day gifts, and The Vow is better than most – certainly better than any of those horrible Nicholas Sparks movies that end in tragedy (no, this is not a Nicholas Sparks movie) (yes, I know it looks like one). It starts with tragedy – a car accident robs Rachel McAdams of her memories of her husband – but gets happy as hubby Channing Tatum makes her fall in love with him all over again. If you don’t buy it for mom, check it out yourself. You can read my my review here for more details.
If your mom is one of the many people who are sick and tired of the brooding Mr. Sparkles model of vampire, you should check out Underworld: Awakening (actually, if you’re new to the series, start with Underworld). In this incarnation, vampires are bloodsucking badasses who are at war with the Lycans (who look more like bigfoot than Taylor Lautner). This is the fourth in the series, and it focuses on humans trying to wipe out both vamps and lycans. Heavy on action, light on drama – perfect for moms who want to puke on Twilight.
Okay. I know this movie is called Mother’s Day, and therefore it seems like a good Mother’s Day gift for your mom. But unless your mom is a big fan of Saw or Hostel, DO NOT BUY THIS MOVIE FOR YOUR MOM. It’s about an evil mother and her mindlessly obedient sons who show up to torture the new owners of their old house during a party. If you give her this movie she will think that a) you are sick and twisted and in need of psychiatric help or b) you equate her with a sadistic serial murderer in your head every time she tells you to eat your vegetables.
Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie seems to assume that you already know about and/or revere Tim and Eric, but if your mom is like me, she’s never heard of them. And if she’s never heard of them, how will you know whether or not she will like this movie? Well, if she thinks Zach Galifianakis or is funny, she might like it. If (like me) she thinks he’s an irritating goon, you should probably buy her something else. A word of caution, though: if she’s offended by grossness or nudity, she’ll be offended by pretty much every minute of this movie.
The first of the summer blockbusters is here! (unless you want to count The Hunger Games, in which case, the second of the summer blockbusters is here!) Marvel has been winding us up for this movie ever since Iron Man 2 so The Avengers was going to have to be pretty freaking awesome to live up to all the hype, especially considering how good Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America were. And to be honest, the trailer didn’t inspire a lot of confidence.
Six superheroes butt heads when they are forced to team up against a demigod with plans to lead an alien army against the earth.
The “alien army taking over the earth” thing has, quite frankly, been done to death, but with Joss Whedon (otherwise known as God to all nerdkind) at the helm and half of the population of my awesome list in the cast, I had to believe The Avengers was more than it seemed. And I’m sad to say that it wasn’t. It was funny (Joss-style), it was action-packed, but it was also a little disappointing.
Cary Elwes – remember him? Played Wesley in The Princess Bride? Led the Men in Tights? Died horribly in Twister? Well our friends at ArcLight have interviewed him. The video’s a bit long and the sound’s not great, but this is Wesley we’re talking about here, and the interviewer totally pumps him for funny stories about swordfighting with Inigo Montoya (you kill my father, prepare to die) and wrestling Andre the Giant.
I’ve had my tickets for the midnight opening show of this movie for a few weeks now and I’m really really hoping it will be good. I gave good reviews to Iron Man (both of them), Thor, and Captain America. I also liked The Incredible Hulk and am a Jeremy Renner fan. BUT there are several potential problems with this movie. Firstly: how can they possibly balance screen time for all these characters whom we are used to seeing in lead roles? Not everyone can be the main character. Secondly: who am I supposed to dress up as for the premiere? There’s one girl and she doesn’t even have superpowers. Thirdly: it’s set in New York. There is a special place in hell for movies that destroy New York, not because I like New York, but because I hate it and I’m thoroughly sick of looking at it on film screens. I mean, the first few seconds of this trailer could have been from Transformers 3 for crying out loud! But because I liked the other recent Marvel movies, I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt.
DAMSELS IN DISTRESS
Now that I think about it, the title of this movie could be applied to pretty much any entry in the Avengers series. But that’s not what they’re talking about here. It’s actually a pretty hilarious premise: rescuing people from uncoolness and/or suicide as “social work.” The comparison to Woody Allen is not promising (I hate Woody Allen) and I’m not sure why it’s called Damsels in Distress when there are guys in distress too, but it’s got the same kind of deadpan humor I always liked to see from the British, so if this movie came to somewhere near me, I would totally see it. Sadly, that will not happen. Not until it’s out on DVD anyway.
THE DEEP BLUE SEA
That’s two Tom Hiddleston movies coming out this week (he also plays Loki in The Avengers). Searching for this movie online will lead you to a 1999 horror film about Alzheimer’s Disease and sharks (seriously), so make sure to include the words Weisz or 2012. Anyway, as I’ve said before I hate plots about adultery and/or going insane, and this movie deals with both. HOWEVER, it also stars Rachel Weisz and Tom Hiddleston, which mostly makes up for that. What it doesn’t make up for is how slow it is. If it drags this much in a one minute trailer, what’s watching the actual film going to be like? Excruciating is my guess, so I’d stay away from it.
It’s a strange holiday-centric movie that doesn’t come out on DVD or in the theaters on the actual holiday it’s representing, but that’s New Year’s Eve for you. It’s an ensemble romantic comedy about a variety of vaguely connected couples getting what they want on the aforementioned holiday. There are too many characters, so even though it’s loaded with cute famous people (Zac Efron, Bon Jovi, Abigail Breslin, Halle Berry) it’s hard to get caught up in their struggles. It is half decently funny, but 200 Cigarettes does it better. Check out the full review for details.
I can occasionally be convinced to enjoy a musical or music related movie if I’m in the right mood, so I saw this one in theaters. Plot wise it’s not that interesting. The rebellious grandson and the stifled daughter of warring choir directors strike up a relationship which implodes and then repairs the leadership of the choir on the eve of a big competition. What made me like it was the comedy. Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton are funny on their own, but together they’re hysterical. The music’s not bad either if you can ignore the Godness – it’s energetic and catchy. So give it a try.
If you haven’t yet had your fill of action movies where governments turn on their top operatives (I sure have) then here comes yet another one to add to your watch list. This one pits MMA fighter Gina Carano against Channing Tatum, Michael Fassbender, and Ewan McGregor, so there’s plenty of eye candy. Unfortunately there’s no amount of shirtlessness and throat punching that can disguise the tiredness and illogic of the idea of a government would pour money into training a super agent only to turn around and assume they could kill it easily at the first sign of trouble. Skip it.
This movie was written and directed by Madonna and has a rating of 4.6 out of 10 on IMDB. That news has probably sent most of you running in the other direction, but you really should turn around and come back, because it’s actually quite a good historical drama about an interesting period in English history – when King Edward the 8th fell in love with a divorced American woman and gave up the crown to his brother (whom you all know from The King’s Speech). If you liked The King’s Speech, give it a try and see the story from another perspective.
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